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5 years is a long time, but some scars never fully heal..

 Hello readers it's been a long time.. It's October which of course means it's the month of my all time favorite holiday Halloween. My soul literally lives for this month of spookiness, scariness, and fun!  The month where my soul thrives, where you can dress up for one day and be whoever you want without any cares in the world. A month that will forever be in my heart as one of the best 31 days of the year. The month that has turned out to be not only my absolute favorite month, but the worst month of my life. 5 years ago on October 26th I had the worst mental breakdown of my life. I broke down and decided that October 26, 2017 would be the last day I would be alive. I decided that on that day I would take my last breath, I would never see my kids again, never kiss them or feel the warmth of their hugs. I would never get to tell them just how much I truly loved them and how much they mean to me. I would never get to kiss my husband and tell him how sorry I am for all the s...
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Memories never fade away

 The hardest part of trauma (at least for me) is the memories. They never seem to go away or they do at least for a little while right? You can shove them aside for just long enough to believe they are gone forever, but the reality is they always come back and when they do they seem to hurt more and more each time.  The older I get the more the memories seem to hurt. For me I believe it's because I still feel like the damage child that never got the chance to fully heal. It feels like no matter what I do in life I will never be fully healed. Even though I absolutely love my kids more than life it's self  that sometimes doesn't keep me from wanting to walk away from this life all together. The hurt, the pain and the memories just get to be too much sometimes. I feel like it's hard enough to survive on a normal day, but the days where the memories are front and center in the brain, those are the days that truly are the times were not wanting to live takes over your day mo...
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A fathers unconditional love

 As a little girl you grow up with this idea that your father is your super hero and will always save you from the bad guys, but what happens when reality hits that your father is the bad guy. For 15 years I believed what every little girl believed. I believed my dad would always love me, never hurt me and would be the man to show me what I wanted to find in my future husband and future father of my children. I believed my dad was my ultimate bestfriend and super hero who would always be there to protect me from harm and fix my broken heart, but at 15 that reality was shattered to pieces when I got a real glimpse of who my father truly was. He wasn't the man I always thought he was. He ended up being the first man to break my heart and not just break it, he shattered it into a million little pieces that would never fit back together like it should no matter how many people tried.  Forgiveness isn't something that comes easily, but when you want someone's love so badly you p...
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Support systems fail sometimes

 For anyone that struggles openly with mental illness one of the first things most therapists will talk to you about especially if you struggle with suicidal thoughts is a establishing a support system. I didn't know much about what kind of support system I needed until I was laying in a hospital bed where I had no choice but to tell the people around me that I had planned to take my life earlier that day and would have gone through with it if it weren't for a single text that snapped me out of the state I was in.  While in the hospital for my suicide attempt I learned a lot about support systems and how those people can help you through the bad days and will help save your life when you feel like you have no one left. In those moments I started to think about who I wanted as my support system. Who I could trust with literally my life and who would be willing to do whatever it took to keep me safe. I wanted to choose people who would learn about my diagnosis' and who would ...
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2020..is it over yet

 Just when you think life can't get any crazier and more complicated the world throws a wrench at your face and laughs. If there is anything that I have learned about life is that it never stays the same, at least in my world. You think that you have finally figured out all the things wrong with you and then the world just decides to add one more thing, because if having major depressive disorder, anxiety/panic disorder, Borderline personality disorder and PTSD, lets just add some Bipolar on top of all of it to make the cherry on top. I mean in a reality most of the things I have (anxiety, depression, BPD) they all mimic Bipolar disorder so it makes sense why I was diagnosed with those at first and no one really realized it was actually Bipolar disorder. Bipolar is so hard to diagnose and it takes someone truly listening and looking into your medical history to realize that's really what's happening. For some people that's all it is, it's just bipolar disorder and t...
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To my bullies and all bullies out there - this ones for you!

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  I have been thinking about writing this blog for a while, but wasn't sure where to start.  I added the pictures above to show me. Me as a mom, me as a wife and simply just me. I am choosing to show these pictures because this blog is going to be written for my school bullies & mean girls.     I have been seeing so many videos and posts about kids being bullied for how they look, how they talk, how much money they have or don't have and whether or not they have a lot of friends or are a loner. This subject is such a huge part of my life because I have been bullied through out my entire life.  I was never pretty enough to be part of the in crowd. I never had enough money to buy the best clothes because my parents worked hard for the money they had and when they split me and my brother had to work hard to get money for things we needed so we could help out. I was never considered one of the girls every guy in the school wanted to be with and if a popular...
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The year from hell

 I feel like I haven't written a blog in forever and I don't really know where to start. I've been avoiding writing putting my words out there because I know they aren't easy words to read, but they also are words that really need to be said. This year has been all things wrong with the world. It's literally like the world has gone to hell and can't find it's way out. I've been trying to figure who I am since the last time I wrote on here, but I feel like I'm more lost now then I have ever been. The last couple years have been hard. I've been struggling so bad, but whats even worse is I have never been so low as I am right now except one time. One time have I ever gotten this low of a feeling in life and on that day I almost took my life. It's a scary place to be. To look in the mirror and wonder how long I will be able to keep holding on. To realize that I am falling apart at the seams and I have run out of ways to keep myself alive. I never...
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