This is my story; What's yours? *Trigger Warning this story contains content about self-harm and suicide if you are suicidal please call or text the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255*

Since I'm new to blogger and not sure who all read this or where you are from I thought I'd take a second to make a blog about me to give you an idea of who I am, why I chose to do a mental health blog and help everyone understand my situation a little more.

First things first my name is Brittany. I am 28 years old. My story starts when I was a little girl who was extremely bullied in school. Being bullied was hard, hurtful, and formed me into the person I am today. I did not realize I had a severe mental illness until I was about 15 years old and had a traumatic life-changing event. I was just going into my freshman year of high school when my dad decided to leave our family. For me, this was by far the most traumatic thing I have ever been through. I came home from school one day to his bags by our front door. I ran to my room when I realized what was happening and he took his bags and walked out, leaving me home alone since my mom and brother were both at work. My dad was my best friend, he was my rock, my knight in shining armor, my protector and yet he became the one to break me. He broke everything in me, my trust for people (especially men), my love, my heart, he broke me to my core. Because of this event I stopped trusting people, I stopped believing anyone could ever truly love me, I felt worthless and unwanted, I felt like my whole world was falling apart. I was broken. After these events, I started to self-harm. All I wanted was for the pain in my chest to stop, but I did not know how to make it better so one day I decided to cut and for a split second it seemed like all my pain disappeared. Unfortunately, this became something that I ran to every time I was in heartache because it was the only way I knew how to cope with my issues. I was put in therapy for a little while, but at that time I wanted nothing to do with letting someone into my world and into my pain, plus my trust for anyone was broken and I didn't trust that anyone would understand me or the way I felt so I kept it all inside and self-harmed everytime it got too much. It was around this same time that I very strongly considered suicide for the first time. It was a scary place for me to be because I did not understand why this was all happening to me or what I did to deserve this happening to me. I didn't understand that I had a mental illness which was causing me not to know how to properly handle the emotions I was feeling or that a chemical imbalance in my brain was causing me to be affected differently by my emotions than other people were being affected. For a while, after this, I rebelled against everything I had ever learned to love in my life. I wanted nothing to do with my religion, family, nothing. I couldn't trust anyone because the one person I trusted the most betrayed me. After a while, things got better or so I thought. My dad came back into my life and acted like a dad again. I decided since I had him back in my life I would shove the heartbreak, anger, depression, confusion aside and just be happy that I had my best friend back in my life again. My life seemed like it was on the path to being better and it made it easier to push my mental illness aside because I wasn't going through any heartbreak to bring any of those emotions back up. Life was almost perfect until the day my dad walked out of my life again bringing every emotion I pushed aside back to the surface. He had not only abandoned me once, but he abandoned me twice and the second time it wasn't just me he had left it was my children too. He walked out of our lives and never looked back. Now here I sit, I haven't spoken to him in over 2 years. He misses every birthday I have, every birthday my kids have, every holiday, and every special event that a papa should be apart of. Now all over again I am dealing with the heartbreak that I shoved aside all those years ago. The pain I never dealt with when I was younger, the anger, the sadness, the confusion, everything I pushed to the side when he came back into my life now surfaced. I decided to start going to a therapist because I knew I couldn't handle all of the feelings I had pushed away for so long on my own. I knew if I didn't get the help I would resort to self-harming all over again and I knew it could possibly lead to me becoming suicidal all over again, but what I did not realize is how hard therapy truly is. It's hard bringing up the past. It's hard having to relive those horrible moments. It's also super hard that I am still currently dealing with him abandoning me again which is a fresh wound on top of the old wounds that are now being reopened. 

Sadly in October 2017, I lost all control. I couldn't take the hurt and sadness anymore. It got to be too much for me to handle and even with therapy my demons got in my brain and took control of me. My demons were telling me over and over again that I was worthless, that my kids deserved a better mom then I could ever be, that my husband deserved a wife that could love him in ways that my damaged self can't. I thought that my family would be better without me in it. That my kids deserved a mom who can be there for them in ways I can't always be due to my mental illness, that my husband deserved a wife who can 100% trust him in every way that I can't because of the damage that was done to me by my father. I thought they all deserved someone a hell of a lot better than me and at that moment I decided I was going to end my life so they could move on and have someone who is better for them all. I thought and felt suicide was the only way they could all have a better life.
Obviously, suicide is not the answer, but when you are in that darkest part of your mind you can't think of anything else except ending the pain forever. Since I am writing this it's pretty obvious I failed at my suicide attempt. I was admitted into Pine Rest Mental Facility for 5 days. Those were the hardest 5 days not only for me but for my family as none of them had any idea what was going on in my world as I kept them all in the dark about how severe my mental illness had gotten. They had no idea I had been cutting again or had any thoughts of suicide so this was a total shock for them which was hard to deal with and me having to tell them how serious this actually was. I had a plan I was going to end my life and having to tell them that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do because I thought that they would leave me like my dad did. I thought that if anyone knew they would abandon me too, that it would be too much for them to handle and they wouldn't love me anymore and would leave me. To my surprise they didn't leave me they stuck by me and helped me through. They supported me and let me know that they were here no matter what. So here I sit now knowing who is truly here for me and knowing how to handle my mental illness. I learned coping skills I never had before, I learned that not everyone is my father and not everyone is going to leave me. I have learned that even though I have a mental illness I am still an amazing person who has a huge heart and loves unconditionally. 

The real point of this post is to show that even after going through hell you can still stand strong on your feet and say I made it, I survived something that should have killed me, something that tried to kill me, but here I stand stronger than ever and growing stronger every day. I hope this post inspires you to stand tall and know that it is going to be okay. It may be hard right now, you may not know where to turn or who to trust, but I promise there are those who love you, care for you and will be there to pick you up if you fall. Just remember don't keep the hurt, pain, and anger inside, let it out, scream at the top of your lungs until you feel better because someday you are going to be okay and someday the pain, hurt and anger won't be as intense. Someday you will stand on your two feet again and say I survived, I made it and I am stronger than ever! Just know that suicide is not the answer even though I wholeheartedly know when you are in that mindset it's hard to think of another way out you have to try. When you feel yourself starting to slip call someone you love, text someone you love or call or text the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255. Get help even when you don't want to because you are worth living for, you are an amazing person and in the end, it will get better you just have to break the mold and reach out for help. If you ever need someone who knows what your going through and you feel like no one around you would understand please message me, please reach out and I will help you in anyway I possibly can, because I understand how your feeling I myself still have suicidal days I'm not sure they ever fully go away in someone who suffers from a mental illness, but together we can fight, together we can stand and say we are worth it and we are going to keep living because we deserve a good life and deserve our happiness; keep living, stay strong and just remember there are other's out there you are not alone we are here;

With love;

Brittany