A glimpse into a day of my life ;

The worst part of having a mental illness is one day you feel okay and the next you wake up feeling like you just want to end it all. In my world this statement is all too real except for me it's a daily struggle because one minute I feel like I am doing okay and the next minute I'm angry, sad or any other negative emotion the human body can feel. My brain goes from you're okay today to telling me I should just end it right here right now. I wake up in the morning wondering if I am going to even make it through the day if I am going to be strong enough to handle the emotions that are going to come up throughout the day or if today will be the day I decide I just can't handle it anymore and make the decision that I can't live anymore. 
This blog's conception was always meant to be positive thoughts, encouragement and if nothing else to give other's Hope that it will be okay and that you are strong enough to keep fighting and keep living this life, but in the recent weeks of my life it has shown me that I can't just give out positive encouragement when inside I am struggling, when inside I feel like I am dying. This blog was always meant to help others, to help show others they are not alone and to support those struggling or those who have lost someone to suicide somewhat understand where their mind might have been, but I have realized this blog also needs to show my struggle. It needs to show that I am a human who is truly struggling every day and while I try my best to spread positivity and Hope sometimes I just can't. I can't always be positive when I am struggling so hard with the will to keep living right now. I feel I need to also show this side of me and not just the positive hope side.
My daily life is full of triggers, full of not knowing how I am going to even make it to my bed at the end of the night. My biggest struggle right now is I have not been on any medication for a month now because I had an allergic reaction to my last medication and have not been able to get in touch with my psychiatrist to see her and get my meds figured out which has been hard. One of the hardest parts of mental illness is figuring out the right medication to be on, but what doesn't help is when you have a doctor who is not available or never calls you back when you need them too. That is my struggle right now. I have called, she was supposed to call me back to set up an appointment and yet a week later I have still not heard from her. The other struggle is these nurses that work in the office where my psychiatrist works are rude and very unprofessional. The nurse that I talked to when I called about a new appointment to get my medicine figured out was rude and treated me like I was stupid and didn't understand my own illness. Like sorry lady I'm the one who struggles with this every day not you so I know how I am feeling and what I need right now. 
In my opinion, if you are working in the mental health field you should be understanding, kind with your words and realize the ones who are struggling need your support, not your judgments. To be talked to the way I have by nurses who work in the mental health field has made me realize that they are in fact part of the suicide problem. The way they treat their patients who are already suicidal causes those people to feel even more upset and hopeless then they were before. People who work in this field need to remember what people with mental illness are going through and be there to help them instead of causing them more issues. So for anyone who might read this and works in this field please be patient, kind, and non-judgemental to those of us who are struggling with the will t live every day. We need your support, not your rudeness and not your judgments. 
Even though right now my life is at the lowest point it has been at since leaving the hospital back in October last year I will continue to fight, I will continue to help support my fellow strugglers and I will continue to live because my kids deserve me around, my family needs me to keep living, and I need to keep fighting for myself because I am worth living for. My life may be hard, but I will survive and I will keep fighting and I will accomplish my dreams ;

With love,
Brittany

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