Letter to the ones who choose to love us everyday unconditionally (our husbands, wifes, partners, etc.)

It's so hard trying to explain to people what goes through our minds every day. It's hard for them to understand when they do not have to deal with a mental illness every day. Relationships are never easy if they were no one would get hurt or have their hearts broken. Relationships are hard, but that's what makes them so worth it in the end. Loving someone who struggles with a mental illness takes the hardships of a normal relationship and times it by 10. As a person who struggles with mental illness I know how hard it is to love someone when I can barely love myself, but in reality, I have learned that I need it. I need my husband because if I did not have his love and support I would probably be dead. I decided to write this blog because I think it's something our loved ones need to read, hear and feel. They need to know what the signs are, what our depression looks like, what to do if we need help but don't have the strength to tell them. So this one is for all of those who love someone who has a mental illness and continues to love them unconditionally. 

I'm dying inside but would you ever notice. I'm crying out for help, but can you hear it. If I were to tell you right now that I want to end my life what would you do, what would you say? Would you be disappointed in me, would you still love me or would you tell me to stop being overdramatic, to move on and get over it. These are the thoughts running through my brain and the brain of a lot of us who struggle with the will to live. We want you to know what is happening in our minds, how we are feeling on our worst days, we want you to help us and we want you to know sometimes we need your help, but can't tell you out loud. We need you to notice when something isn't right without us having to say a word. We need you to stop us and say "hey I know you're not okay let me help you, I love you." When someone you love tells you they don't think it's safe for them to be in the house alone the best thing you can do is stay with them. Do not leave them alone for anything. People always say if your feeling suicidal reach out for help and while yes I agree with that I also believe that our loved ones need to reach out to us and help us too. We need to be shown that we aren't the only ones reaching out that others care about us enough to know when something is off with us and when we need help. When a suicidal person is in that dark state of mind it's hard to reach out because you already feel like such a burden on your loved ones that reaching out feels like you will be dragging them down with you so we choose to suffer in silence because we don't want anyone to have to feel the way we are feeling at that moment and know that no one will truly understand unless they suffer themselves. We need people to reach out to us in those moments and help save us when we can't save ourselves. In all honesty, until you are suicidal you never realize how dangerous your own home can be. There are so many dangerous things in a home that can be used to self-harm and ultimately use to end your life that unless you struggle with these demons you would never look at those items and think about it the way I see it. If your wife, husband, or partner tells you they feel unsafe if they are left alone do not run to the gas station, store or anywhere. Do not leave them alone with their thoughts because that's the most dangerous part of our minds. If we are reaching out please listen.

For me, I do not directly say I am suicidal or where my mind is because I am too scared of the reactions I will get. I have tried to reach out to people who are supposed to love me unconditionally and it has backfired on me and has made me not want to reach out for help anymore. I love going for walks, taking baths at the end of the day, but when I am hurting and in a suicidal state those activities are dangerous for me to do alone. If I go on a walk by myself I might not make it back alive or if I am left alone in a bathroom that has razors god only knows what could happen. I try to reach out and I have gotten people who say people think you'll be fine alone because your children are there even though they are sleeping we know you wouldn't want them to find you so you are fine cause really you aren't alone, but the reality of that statement is that when I get into such a bad depression that I consider suicide I don't think of anything except the pain I am feeling at that moment and how I don't want to be a burden on any of them anymore. It's hard to think of the end outcome when my demons are screaming "DO IT" constantly. The reality is a suicidal person needs people to understand, needs people to reach out to them, needs those who love them to pick up on their subtle hints that are saying "please hear me I am not okay and I need you" 'help me" we need those around us to look at us on a deeper level and say I know your not okay I can see it in your eyes. It's hard I know because not only do I suffer, but I know others who suffer. I know how hard it is to tell if someone is suicidal when they look perfectly happy on the outside, but if you look closely at them and you let yourself really see them you will see they are not okay, you will see they have changed even in the smallest ways and as a loved one you need to ask the hard questions because those are the questions that need to be asked. It's hard sometimes to know if someone is suicidal or not. 

Trust me I have gotten so good at hiding how I am feeling that no one knew I was planning to end my life until I ended up in the hospital and had to sit there and tell my husband what I was planning to do before my mom brought me to the ER. I hid it so well everyone thought I was fine, everyone still thinks I am fine, but the reality is I'm not. I'm dying inside, I'm still suicidal, I'm struggling and hurting and no one knows because I put a smile on my face and pretend those thoughts aren't there because I'm still so scared of rejection. I'm scared those I love will leave me, will judge me, will take away the kids I love to watch because they are scared of who I am and what I could do when the reality is I would never hurt anyone, but myself because my demons come after me not them. I am scared I will disappoint everyone if I tell them I need help again, that my meds aren't working and I want to die.  These thoughts are not just my own, others feel like this too which is why it is so hard to us as mental illness strugglers to reach out because we are afraid of the judgements, the disappointed looks, the comments, the "I just don't understand why you would want to do that" comments and the fear that everyone we love will leave us. So if I can ask one thing from anyone reading this who loves someone with a mental illness I would ask that you reach out to them daily, show them your not going anywhere, ask them the hard questions even if your scared of the answer and no matter how they answer your questions be there for them, get them help if needed, hug them, and never stop loving them because even if on their bad days they take it out on you they do love you, they do need you and they want you to help save them because sometimes they are unable to save themselves. So be there, be present, open your eyes and notice the changes, love them unconditionally and show them your here no matter what because in the end, you could help save their life.

 

Love, 

Brittany