Life is a constant struggle ; Today I'm trying to live when I feel like dying ;

No one ever said life was going to be easy, but let me tell you some days are far worse than any other day. Living with a mental illness is never easy, but some days are so much harder to live than others. Today is one of those days. I am struggling, I am hurting, I am angry and disappointed in myself. Today is just one of those days where being positive is no where in my cards. 

I have learned today that fighting a mental illness is hard on any given day, but when you find out you can't afford to get the help you truly need from your therapist and psychologist and realize your going to have to learn how to fight this on your own just makes your normal daily struggles even worse. I know now why people who struggle don't get help sometimes, why they don't reach out to professionals and why they end up taking their own lives because when you can't afford to pay for the help you truly need you try to fight your battle on your own and sadly most end up losing that battle to their own hands. Today I am struggling with this. Today I am struggling with the thought of "what the hell do I do now?" I am struggling with the fight to keep living everyday just to keep sinking when I already feel like I am drowning. 

I am struggling with trying to figure out how to look my support team in the face and say I can't do this shit anymore, I can't keep living life pretending like I am okay when I am not okay anymore. Pretending to be strong when I feel like I'm about to shatter into a million pieces inside. I am to afraid to say certain things because I feel like a disappointment to them, I feel like a complete failure because they believed I was doing better since being in treatment last year. I want to be the support others need so bad that I started this blog to help others, but in the end I have to be real, I have to show that I struggle too. That was the whole point of this blog, to show that I understand how you feel, I understand your struggles and really I have tried to remain positive and write blogs of support and comfort to those who are struggling or those who know someone who is struggling, but this blog right here is real life. Sometimes I lose my positive I can do anything vibe, sometimes I break and I can't be the one to help because I feel like I am one wrong turn away from losing it all. 

I try to drown myself in things that make me happy, but on days like today I can't bring myself to do any of that. I feel like giving up on everything I have fought so hard to live for. All I ever wanted was to just be okay, but some days I just can't be, some days I just can't work up the strength to support everyone around me anymore, some days I just need someone to hold me up because I'm drowning inside and no one knows. 

I have decided that some dreams are just not meant to be once it get's to a point where you don't feel like that's where your heart is taking you. School was always my dream. I always wanted to be something more than anyone ever thought I'd be, but for me this dream just isn't reality. I am not good at school, I can't focus, I feel like I'm tearing myself apart trying to make this work to make everyone around me be proud of me for accomplishing this goal and yet this goal is killing me. This goal is making me feel horrible about myself. This goal is dead inside my head and just isn't a goal I want anymore. I thought for the longest time that this is who I truly wanted to be, but now I question that thought everyday. Is this really me? Is this person who I am truly trying to be for me or am I trying to be this person to prove something to those around me? Having to make the decision to leave a dream behind to conquer a different dream isn't what I struggle with. What I am struggling with is telling the people I love that I just can't do this anymore and feeling like I have failed them. I struggle with looking at peoples faces when I tell them school is no longer my dream and seeing the disappointment on their faces especially my mothers. The last person on earth I ever want to see that look from is my mother. I never want to disappoint her or feel like I am a failure as a daughter because I didn't make something better of my life. I just want to be the best possible person I can be for my mom, my husband, my children and for myself. I will move on from this disappointment and will live to accomplish my dreams even if they are not the ones I originally planned on. I will find new dreams and go where ever my heart leads me with some hope that my support system will back me up on the new path I chose to take. 

Sorry this post is very long, but this is real life. I try to stay positive for everyone who may read this blog who is struggling and needs to find hope in something, but I also feel I need to be real and show the vulnerable side of me as well because people need to understand that I am struggling everyday just like you are and while I try my best to be positive there are days in my life where I hit a brick wall and I can't find Hope in anything. Sadly today is one of those days. My hope is not existent right now and that feeling alone just sucks, but I will survive and I will move forward because I am worth living for and the new dreams I have are worth fighting for and so are you! Remember to always keep fighting and always follow your dreams because you are worth living for and your dreams no matter what they are or how many times they change are worth fighting for! Be the best version of you that you can be no matter what anyone else says because in the end you have to live your life for yourself and no one else. Be who ever you want to be and be confident in that because once you find who you are truly meant to be you will find the strength you need to keep living and to have the best life imaginable ;

With Love,

Brittany