The hardest parts of living with depression ; Trigger Alert! This blog will contain some conversation that may be triggering to some ; If you are struggling please reach out for help from family, friends or the suicide hotline
Considering the title most could figure out what this blog post will be about, but in all honesty everyone's depression is very different. Everyone has different views on what the hardest parts of their depressions is. This blog post is going to go over what my hardest parts to deal with are as I know many will have these same hardships in one way or another.
In my depression world it is very hard for me to explain what is going on in my head at every minute, but it's also hard to talk to people about it because what happens in my mind sometimes is dark and disturbing for those who do not deal with severe depression everyday. My mind going into the depths of my darkest depression is one of the hardest parts. When my mind is in that dark place the will to survive is such a struggle. All the normal things in life become things that could end my life. Those who don't suffer from depression with suicidal thoughts don't understand how the littlest things can become dangerous to someone who is suffering. I never realized myself how bad I could be triggered to self-harm when I am in a state of severe depression until a couple weeks ago when I was making dinner. I don't remember what I was making, but it dealt with cutting something up so I had a knife in my hand and instead of thinking about the food I was cooking all I could think about was hurting myself with it and how easy it would be to just end it right then and there. It's scary to realize just how dangerous your world can become when you are in a bad state of mind.
Another hard part about depression is trying to get people to understand that I can be fine and happy one minute and then want to die another. I can go from having the best time of my life to all of a sudden not wanting to be there anymore and wanting to just crawl under my blankets and cry. It's hard trying to make people around you understand it's not them it's your brain that is the issue. It's so hard to explain to someone that you love having them in your life, but sometimes you just need to be alone inside your own mind, but on that same plane sometimes you don't want to be alone and getting someone you love to understand that you just need them to sit with you or lay in bed with you while you cry and having to explain these mood changes is so hard because people who don't deal with this just don't understand how one day you don't want to be touched or around people and then the next day all you want is someone to love on you, hug you, hold you and make you feel okay for one moment.
This post has taken me a couple days to even write it out because it's so emotional to realize how not okay you truly are sometimes. Realizing that in a split second my mind can go from thinking about making dinner for my children to what can I do with this knife in my hand has been one of the hardest things I've emotionally had to deal with in a really long time. It shows the severity of my depression and how in a split second my world can fall apart. I know that this is not just me. I know there are others out there who have had these things happen to them and who possibly couldn't stop themselves from doing harm to themselves the way I have stopped myself and that's a scary part too. I wonder sometimes how long I will be able to shove those thoughts aside before I just can't do it anymore. I think about death almost everyday numerous times a day and that is a hard thing to deal with. It's hard to wonder if I will be strong enough to survive today or if today will be the day that I am not strong enough to make it anymore. My mind is so dark sometimes that shoving it aside gets harder and harder to do and that is scary to wonder if one day I won't be strong enough to survive. The realization that I may not be as strong as I want to prove to everyone I am is hard to deal with and causes my thoughts to be even worse. I want to be strong, I want to survive, I want to show those who shoved me down when I was younger and bullied me, who told me I would be nothing, I want to prove them all wrong, but some days I just can't. I can't live this life anymore, I 'm not good enough today and maybe just maybe I am not as strong as I make people believe I am.
Getting through these thoughts is one of the hardest parts of having depression. Realizing that you are strong enough, you are worth living, and knowing that those who said those horrible things about you are so far from who you really are is the toughest part. I have been graduated from high school for 9 years and yet to this day those horrible words of the bullies still haunt me and make me feel like I am not worthy of living anymore. Those words still haunt my dreams at night when my brain is in it's darkest place and that's a hard cycle to break.
One other part that is very hard for me is when I am in my darkest parts of depression and I can't make myself do the things I absolutely love. I haven't been to Crossfit in 2 weeks now because I just can't get myself to go. I feel like I am not good enough anymore, I am not strong enough anymore and I am going to fail. The last thing I want is to feel like a failure and so I am avoiding Crossfit for fear that I will fail at the work outs. While I know that's not what Crossfit is about and that's it's really about you and bettering yourself my mind automatically goes to the words people have told me over and over again growing up, that I am a failure and that I will never be as good as others. This is hard for me to forget and hard for me to push aside so I have just been avoiding going for fear that I am not good enough anymore. This is where my advice comes in for all those struggling. No matter how bad it gets please please don't ever stop the activities you love. It is important that even on your bad days you do the things you've always loved in order to keep yourself strong enough to keep living, to keep moving on with your life and to continue growing in your fight against your mental illness. Keep fighting, keep loving, and keep surviving because you are so worth it no matter what your head tells you, you are WORTH IT!
With Love,
Brittany
Another hard part about depression is trying to get people to understand that I can be fine and happy one minute and then want to die another. I can go from having the best time of my life to all of a sudden not wanting to be there anymore and wanting to just crawl under my blankets and cry. It's hard trying to make people around you understand it's not them it's your brain that is the issue. It's so hard to explain to someone that you love having them in your life, but sometimes you just need to be alone inside your own mind, but on that same plane sometimes you don't want to be alone and getting someone you love to understand that you just need them to sit with you or lay in bed with you while you cry and having to explain these mood changes is so hard because people who don't deal with this just don't understand how one day you don't want to be touched or around people and then the next day all you want is someone to love on you, hug you, hold you and make you feel okay for one moment.
This post has taken me a couple days to even write it out because it's so emotional to realize how not okay you truly are sometimes. Realizing that in a split second my mind can go from thinking about making dinner for my children to what can I do with this knife in my hand has been one of the hardest things I've emotionally had to deal with in a really long time. It shows the severity of my depression and how in a split second my world can fall apart. I know that this is not just me. I know there are others out there who have had these things happen to them and who possibly couldn't stop themselves from doing harm to themselves the way I have stopped myself and that's a scary part too. I wonder sometimes how long I will be able to shove those thoughts aside before I just can't do it anymore. I think about death almost everyday numerous times a day and that is a hard thing to deal with. It's hard to wonder if I will be strong enough to survive today or if today will be the day that I am not strong enough to make it anymore. My mind is so dark sometimes that shoving it aside gets harder and harder to do and that is scary to wonder if one day I won't be strong enough to survive. The realization that I may not be as strong as I want to prove to everyone I am is hard to deal with and causes my thoughts to be even worse. I want to be strong, I want to survive, I want to show those who shoved me down when I was younger and bullied me, who told me I would be nothing, I want to prove them all wrong, but some days I just can't. I can't live this life anymore, I 'm not good enough today and maybe just maybe I am not as strong as I make people believe I am.
Getting through these thoughts is one of the hardest parts of having depression. Realizing that you are strong enough, you are worth living, and knowing that those who said those horrible things about you are so far from who you really are is the toughest part. I have been graduated from high school for 9 years and yet to this day those horrible words of the bullies still haunt me and make me feel like I am not worthy of living anymore. Those words still haunt my dreams at night when my brain is in it's darkest place and that's a hard cycle to break.
One other part that is very hard for me is when I am in my darkest parts of depression and I can't make myself do the things I absolutely love. I haven't been to Crossfit in 2 weeks now because I just can't get myself to go. I feel like I am not good enough anymore, I am not strong enough anymore and I am going to fail. The last thing I want is to feel like a failure and so I am avoiding Crossfit for fear that I will fail at the work outs. While I know that's not what Crossfit is about and that's it's really about you and bettering yourself my mind automatically goes to the words people have told me over and over again growing up, that I am a failure and that I will never be as good as others. This is hard for me to forget and hard for me to push aside so I have just been avoiding going for fear that I am not good enough anymore. This is where my advice comes in for all those struggling. No matter how bad it gets please please don't ever stop the activities you love. It is important that even on your bad days you do the things you've always loved in order to keep yourself strong enough to keep living, to keep moving on with your life and to continue growing in your fight against your mental illness. Keep fighting, keep loving, and keep surviving because you are so worth it no matter what your head tells you, you are WORTH IT!
With Love,
Brittany
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