Mental Illness isn't black & white

Mental illness is never black and white.. no 2 people with mental illness are the same.. unfortunately for me I have numerous disorders that go into my mental illness... I have severe depression, generalized anxiety, mild PTSD and borderline personality.. for me this picture shows what mine looks like on a daily basis.. one second I feel like I have the whole world ahead of me and I can accomplish anything and yet within a couple minutes I feel as though my entire world is falling apart before my eyes.. this is depression, this is suicide, this is me.. people say all the time you seem happy, you don't seem like someone who would ever take their own life, but all of those statements are so wrong.. I am a person who is happy sometimes but in a split second can go from being happy and content in this world to literally going through every reason why this world would be better off without me.. in the end depression is different for everyone.. this is just a glimpse at what my mental illness is and how it works, this is who I am and who I will always be.. I fight every day to stay alive and continue living.. I am a survivor and I will keep fighting till I take my last breath;
My goal for this whole blog was to be honest and real at all points in time. I want to share my life and my experience with my mental illness with everyone with the hope that some day my story will make a difference in someone else's life, that maybe the struggles I go through will help someone who is struggle know that there is someone out there that does truly understand what you are going through, how you are feeling and that you are not alone. I also want to show this side of me for those who are in my life, those who I have hide this side of me from for so long. I have decided to be open and honest about my struggles because I realized hiding who I really am from the people in my life is hard and not worth the struggles it causes. No one in my life knew how much I struggled with my mental illness, how much I struggled with suicidal thoughts and contemplation of ending my own life. They never knew how much I struggled everyday to just stay alive because I learned how to hide it so well. There were always glimpses of my down days, but I hide the severity of my mental state well enough that when I ended up in the hospital last October for attempting suicide it shocked people in my world, made some believe I did it for attention or to make the world revolve around me, made some think I was selfish for considering ending my life and leaving my husband and children behind and also made people think I was just a drama queen who was over reacting about my hurt and pain. Those reasons are the reasons I hid my mental illness. I didn't want to deal with peoples opinions about what they believed about my mental illness I knew I felt all the things I felt and I heard the demons inside my head even though no one else understood or heard them, but the criticism and people talking about me behind my back thinking I didn't know about what they said about me are more reasons I hid my mental illness and how bad it truly was and had become. 
Now I have chosen to be open and honest about my struggles because I have realized that writing about my struggles gives me an outlet to let people into my head and hopefully helps them understand why I am the way I am, why I have always been a certain way and hopefully helps them understand my struggles a little better. I wanted to share my struggles with the world to show those struggling that they can continue living even through the bad times. I want to give hope to those struggling that with love and support we will keep moving forward and keep living the best life we can as long as we stay true to ourselves and be open and honest with others about our struggles. I want those who are struggling to know they are not alone and that there are others who understand them. 
So for everyone who is struggling this post is for you. You are not alone in your struggles. If you are struggling please reach out to those you love, to me or to any of the suicide hot lines. You can call 1-800-273-8255 or text CONNECT to 741741 and someone will help you through the hard days. Always remember you are stronger than you believe you are and to keep fighting because you are worth living for;

With love,
Brittany

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