Overreacting? A glimpse inside my mind, maybe now they'll understand..; Language warning I swear in this and I'm okay with that! #Sorrynotsorry if you don't like it please don't read it..Trigger Alert! This blog post will contain some conversation that may be triggering to some ; If you are struggling please reach out for help from family, friends or the suicide hotline
This blog is a little over due. I have been sitting on this one for a week now and have just now decided that it's something I need to get out there. Families are supposed to be your ultimate support system. They are supposed to be your number one back up, but what do you do when your family becomes part of the problem more than the helping one. The thing about families is that sometimes they are the biggest back stabbers ever! You want to believe they are your biggest supporters, but in reality sometimes they are your biggest killers.
Through all of my mental illness struggles I have learned that there's only a small couple people in this world I can one hundred percent trust to tell me what they are truly thinking regarding my mental illness, who truly care about my mental struggles and try their best to understand it as much as possible and support me in my mental health! When I came out of the hospital last year I thought certain people in my direct circle would be there for me no matter what and yet here I am almost a year later and I am realizing those people only care about themselves and others who are closer to them. When you start to look around you, you start to realize who is a person who truly cares and who is faking it. It's sad to realize some of the people I used to call family (moms,dads,brothers,sisters,best friends) are the ones who care the less! You start to realize your not as important to them as you once thought you were. They talk about you behind you back, they say that everyone has issues so yours aren't more important that anyone else and then they walk around thinking you have no idea.
Well this blog is to tell all of you that I know. I'm not as stupid as you all make me out to be! I know what you say behind my back the fact that you think telling my husband something he won't tell me is your first mistake cause unlike some things you may have heard about us we talk about everything, we tell each other everything! Then on the other side you have those who decide talking about me to other family members who have big mouths an think they aren't going to tell me means your the stupid one because they are going to tell me what you said just so they can see my reaction when I hear that someone I thought loved me was talking crap about me and my mental illness because you are all shitty people and its just mind blowing! The fact that I can't even trust my own family is the reason I don't stay for dinner, for family events for Christmas's. I leave because staying in a room full of people you know are talking shit about you behind you back is not worth it and not worth my time. I'm done pretending with all of you so when me, my husband and my kids aren't around for family lunch, family dinners, family events or Christmas time anymore just remember it's your own damn fault not because we are selfish and don't want you to see the kids it's because you chose to open your mouths to other people about me and my struggles instead of talking to me about them and trying to be understanding and loving.
Let me stop the rambling for a second and talk about something. A week ago a family member told me they went and asked someone I consider my sister if I was overreacting about my suicide attempt or if it was real. Let me just say how wrong this is in so many different fucking ways!!!!!!! 1-who are you to ask someone that without just coming to me and seeing if I'm okay or not, 2- the fact that you even had the audacity to see if I was overreacting about killing myself just shows what kind of people my family truly is! The fact that this person told me people in our family think I overreact all the time about my mental illness is just complete bullshit and the reason I am removing you all from my life. You don't deserve someone like me in your life! You don't deserve the endless love I give to the people who truly support me and when I die someday I hope to God you never feel the pain I do everyday cause I can tell you right now you wouldn't be able to survive it like I have. On top of this it sucks to feel like the people you thought were family only care about people who live in other states. Like what do I need to do to get your attention pack up and leave the state and live somewhere else where you can't have access to me or my children all the time? I mean I know I'm not your real daughter or family, but damn you played a real good game at it when you first popped into this family and yet now we are nothing compared to other people. It's just funny how people just use you for whatever they need, but when you need them no one is there for you and even if they are there you can tell their being fake!
I'm over people thinking I am overreacting when it comes to my mental illness. Let me give you a little glimpse into my mind and then you can decide if you could handle the shit I deal with everyday of my life!
Every night for the past at least 7 or 8 months I haven't been sleeping well. Along with my depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder I also have PTSD which causes me to have flash backs. The flash backs used to mainly just be about the day I came home and my dad was leaving our family. They were so real I felt like I was that kid again crying alone in my bed room just to wake up to the shock that I am not that kid and I am laying in my own bed in my own home. A couple weeks after getting out of the hospital after my suicide attempt my flash backs where replaced by vivid flash backs of what could have been if no one would have saved me that day. I have such vivid dreams about my suicide that day that sometimes I wake up thinking I have killed myself and literally feel like I am outside my body because I am just a spirit visiting my family wondering if they are okay without me. If these flash backs weren't bad enough my brain finally realized I no longer have guns around me (we removed them all from the house since that is what I was going to use to take my own life. I can barely talk about guns, watch movies with people killing themselves or killing others with guns and I have to remove myself from some conversations people are having around me that involve talking about guns because it triggers me back to the feelings of that day) my brain now has decided to torture me in a different way because everyone knows how dangerous this world is and how many ways there are to kill yourself so now instead of having flash backs of my suicide attempt I now have legit nightmares about killing myself in other ways. Almost every night for the last month or so I have a nightmare where I am alone in my house and I break. I completely fall apart just like I did the day I was going to take my own life, but this time it's not with a gun it's with something else. I have such vivid dreams about suicide that I wake up grabbing my throat thinking I can't breath because the rope around my neck is chocking me from hanging myself, I grab my wrist because I want to blood to stop from slitting my wrist in the bathroom and many many other vivid nightmares I have that I wake up from every night. I literally feel the pain as if someone just stabbed me or cut me, I wake up and can't catch my breath because I feel like I've just been chocked, I feel every inch of pain the blade would make on my skin and sometimes I have to get out of bed and go to the bathroom just to check myself because it's so god damn real that I can't figure out if I'm still dreaming or if this is reality and I have actually just done this. I don't eat much because I'm so exhausted from lack of being able to sleep all night that I just am not hungry, but then again I don't eat because maybe I'll just starve myself to death, but am I really starving myself or is that just another dream I can't wake up from. My reality is so fucked up all the time and yet I survive everyday. I push those nightmares aside take care of my kids, go to work and survive because I have decided I am going to fight this. I am going to keep fighting for my life every single day! But please go ahead and tell me again how I am overreacting about what I go through everyday. Please go ahead and tell me my mental illness is not real, please go ahead and tell me I was just trying to get attention and pretended to attempt suicide to make people feel bad for me! I'd love anyone of you to live in my mind for one day and tell me how long you survive, but then again I don't wish that on anyone because this torture I go through everyday is HELL and I wouldn't wish it on anyone!
This post isn't really going to help anyone and that sucks because I made this blog to help others, but damn sometimes you just need to get shit out there and give everyone a reality SLAP in the face and pray to whatever God you believe in (I say you believe in because I definitely don't believe in shit right now, but I unlike some others I know won't judge anyone for believing or not believing in a god) that they wake the fuck up and realize how stupid they are being for the way they are treating you and that if they don't start changing they will lose you and your kids in their lives forever!
So my words this time for anyone struggling is - be careful who you trust, be careful about who you have as your support team because those people may just end up being the people who truly rip your world apart like mine did. Just know also that no one has any right to tell you how you feel, no one has a right to judge what you are going through because at the end of the day you know how you feel and you know what you deal with every day and they will either back you up 100 percent or walk away and they can deal with the consequences of what they have done to you.
Always remember you live it everyday no one else does, you are the strong one because you survive everyday, you are worth it because you stay grounded and don't take anyone's shit and that's okay. It's okay to not be okay and it's okay to 100 percent express how you feel and those in your life will either change or you can walk away if they don't change because in the end as long as your working hard to survive everyday that's what matters, not what anyone else thinks or says about you, it's about your recovery, your strength to live everyday when your brain just wants to give you reasons to die, so stick with people who truly care, stick with those you can trust and stick up for yourself like I have done in this post because you are your best friend and you have every right to speak your mind whether people like it or not! You have every right to stick up for yourself and stick up for your feelings because they are valid feelings and one thing I have realized is I'm done letting other's walk all over me! I am strong, I am independent and I will walk away if I need to because I am strong enough to survive everyday that I will be strong enough to walk out of people's lives and not look back. I am done letting people run me over. I am and will from this day forward speak for myself and stand up for myself. If you don't like it please see your way out of my life cause I deserve so much better than the bullshit I've been dealing with!
So please remember if you are struggling you are strong enough to survive, if you feel like your slipping so bad that you can't trust yourself go get help and don't be ashamed of getting help more than one time, don't let other's opinions affect you helping yourself survive. You are stronger than you think and you will survive this;
With Love,
Brittany
Through all of my mental illness struggles I have learned that there's only a small couple people in this world I can one hundred percent trust to tell me what they are truly thinking regarding my mental illness, who truly care about my mental struggles and try their best to understand it as much as possible and support me in my mental health! When I came out of the hospital last year I thought certain people in my direct circle would be there for me no matter what and yet here I am almost a year later and I am realizing those people only care about themselves and others who are closer to them. When you start to look around you, you start to realize who is a person who truly cares and who is faking it. It's sad to realize some of the people I used to call family (moms,dads,brothers,sisters,best friends) are the ones who care the less! You start to realize your not as important to them as you once thought you were. They talk about you behind you back, they say that everyone has issues so yours aren't more important that anyone else and then they walk around thinking you have no idea.
Well this blog is to tell all of you that I know. I'm not as stupid as you all make me out to be! I know what you say behind my back the fact that you think telling my husband something he won't tell me is your first mistake cause unlike some things you may have heard about us we talk about everything, we tell each other everything! Then on the other side you have those who decide talking about me to other family members who have big mouths an think they aren't going to tell me means your the stupid one because they are going to tell me what you said just so they can see my reaction when I hear that someone I thought loved me was talking crap about me and my mental illness because you are all shitty people and its just mind blowing! The fact that I can't even trust my own family is the reason I don't stay for dinner, for family events for Christmas's. I leave because staying in a room full of people you know are talking shit about you behind you back is not worth it and not worth my time. I'm done pretending with all of you so when me, my husband and my kids aren't around for family lunch, family dinners, family events or Christmas time anymore just remember it's your own damn fault not because we are selfish and don't want you to see the kids it's because you chose to open your mouths to other people about me and my struggles instead of talking to me about them and trying to be understanding and loving.
Let me stop the rambling for a second and talk about something. A week ago a family member told me they went and asked someone I consider my sister if I was overreacting about my suicide attempt or if it was real. Let me just say how wrong this is in so many different fucking ways!!!!!!! 1-who are you to ask someone that without just coming to me and seeing if I'm okay or not, 2- the fact that you even had the audacity to see if I was overreacting about killing myself just shows what kind of people my family truly is! The fact that this person told me people in our family think I overreact all the time about my mental illness is just complete bullshit and the reason I am removing you all from my life. You don't deserve someone like me in your life! You don't deserve the endless love I give to the people who truly support me and when I die someday I hope to God you never feel the pain I do everyday cause I can tell you right now you wouldn't be able to survive it like I have. On top of this it sucks to feel like the people you thought were family only care about people who live in other states. Like what do I need to do to get your attention pack up and leave the state and live somewhere else where you can't have access to me or my children all the time? I mean I know I'm not your real daughter or family, but damn you played a real good game at it when you first popped into this family and yet now we are nothing compared to other people. It's just funny how people just use you for whatever they need, but when you need them no one is there for you and even if they are there you can tell their being fake!
I'm over people thinking I am overreacting when it comes to my mental illness. Let me give you a little glimpse into my mind and then you can decide if you could handle the shit I deal with everyday of my life!
Every night for the past at least 7 or 8 months I haven't been sleeping well. Along with my depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder I also have PTSD which causes me to have flash backs. The flash backs used to mainly just be about the day I came home and my dad was leaving our family. They were so real I felt like I was that kid again crying alone in my bed room just to wake up to the shock that I am not that kid and I am laying in my own bed in my own home. A couple weeks after getting out of the hospital after my suicide attempt my flash backs where replaced by vivid flash backs of what could have been if no one would have saved me that day. I have such vivid dreams about my suicide that day that sometimes I wake up thinking I have killed myself and literally feel like I am outside my body because I am just a spirit visiting my family wondering if they are okay without me. If these flash backs weren't bad enough my brain finally realized I no longer have guns around me (we removed them all from the house since that is what I was going to use to take my own life. I can barely talk about guns, watch movies with people killing themselves or killing others with guns and I have to remove myself from some conversations people are having around me that involve talking about guns because it triggers me back to the feelings of that day) my brain now has decided to torture me in a different way because everyone knows how dangerous this world is and how many ways there are to kill yourself so now instead of having flash backs of my suicide attempt I now have legit nightmares about killing myself in other ways. Almost every night for the last month or so I have a nightmare where I am alone in my house and I break. I completely fall apart just like I did the day I was going to take my own life, but this time it's not with a gun it's with something else. I have such vivid dreams about suicide that I wake up grabbing my throat thinking I can't breath because the rope around my neck is chocking me from hanging myself, I grab my wrist because I want to blood to stop from slitting my wrist in the bathroom and many many other vivid nightmares I have that I wake up from every night. I literally feel the pain as if someone just stabbed me or cut me, I wake up and can't catch my breath because I feel like I've just been chocked, I feel every inch of pain the blade would make on my skin and sometimes I have to get out of bed and go to the bathroom just to check myself because it's so god damn real that I can't figure out if I'm still dreaming or if this is reality and I have actually just done this. I don't eat much because I'm so exhausted from lack of being able to sleep all night that I just am not hungry, but then again I don't eat because maybe I'll just starve myself to death, but am I really starving myself or is that just another dream I can't wake up from. My reality is so fucked up all the time and yet I survive everyday. I push those nightmares aside take care of my kids, go to work and survive because I have decided I am going to fight this. I am going to keep fighting for my life every single day! But please go ahead and tell me again how I am overreacting about what I go through everyday. Please go ahead and tell me my mental illness is not real, please go ahead and tell me I was just trying to get attention and pretended to attempt suicide to make people feel bad for me! I'd love anyone of you to live in my mind for one day and tell me how long you survive, but then again I don't wish that on anyone because this torture I go through everyday is HELL and I wouldn't wish it on anyone!
This post isn't really going to help anyone and that sucks because I made this blog to help others, but damn sometimes you just need to get shit out there and give everyone a reality SLAP in the face and pray to whatever God you believe in (I say you believe in because I definitely don't believe in shit right now, but I unlike some others I know won't judge anyone for believing or not believing in a god) that they wake the fuck up and realize how stupid they are being for the way they are treating you and that if they don't start changing they will lose you and your kids in their lives forever!
So my words this time for anyone struggling is - be careful who you trust, be careful about who you have as your support team because those people may just end up being the people who truly rip your world apart like mine did. Just know also that no one has any right to tell you how you feel, no one has a right to judge what you are going through because at the end of the day you know how you feel and you know what you deal with every day and they will either back you up 100 percent or walk away and they can deal with the consequences of what they have done to you.
Always remember you live it everyday no one else does, you are the strong one because you survive everyday, you are worth it because you stay grounded and don't take anyone's shit and that's okay. It's okay to not be okay and it's okay to 100 percent express how you feel and those in your life will either change or you can walk away if they don't change because in the end as long as your working hard to survive everyday that's what matters, not what anyone else thinks or says about you, it's about your recovery, your strength to live everyday when your brain just wants to give you reasons to die, so stick with people who truly care, stick with those you can trust and stick up for yourself like I have done in this post because you are your best friend and you have every right to speak your mind whether people like it or not! You have every right to stick up for yourself and stick up for your feelings because they are valid feelings and one thing I have realized is I'm done letting other's walk all over me! I am strong, I am independent and I will walk away if I need to because I am strong enough to survive everyday that I will be strong enough to walk out of people's lives and not look back. I am done letting people run me over. I am and will from this day forward speak for myself and stand up for myself. If you don't like it please see your way out of my life cause I deserve so much better than the bullshit I've been dealing with!
So please remember if you are struggling you are strong enough to survive, if you feel like your slipping so bad that you can't trust yourself go get help and don't be ashamed of getting help more than one time, don't let other's opinions affect you helping yourself survive. You are stronger than you think and you will survive this;
With Love,
Brittany
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