Triggered - Trigger Warning this blog contains information regarding PTSD and suicide along with other information that may be triggering to some please be cautious when reading and if you feel like you are in crisis please seek help ; Keep fighting

Sometimes you never know just how much a show, a comment or a person can trigger your worst fears. Last night was one of the worst triggers I have had in a long time. There are so many different levels of ways that your specific triggers affect you, but I don't think I could have ever imagined I would be so affected from a t.v. show then I was last night.

Last night I attempted to watch season 2 of 13 Reasons Why. I've been avoiding watching it because the first season really affected me and I wanted to make sure I was more stable before attempting to watch season 2 as I had no idea what to expect from it. I thought I'd be good. I thought I'd be okay because I had been having an okay mental day, but no I wasn't okay. I was shaking, crying and  literally having a panic attack laying in my bed. I was good until episode 5. For people who do not suffer from PTSD you never know how hard it is until you go through something traumatic enough to have it and then end up getting triggered by something you see or hear.. thought I'd be okay getting through this episode then they brought the hand guns out.. then they decided to have 2 kids shooting the hand guns and while I thought okay I'm going to get through the anxiety of seeing one on TV I never even thought about how my mind would react the second that gun went off.. and guess what I couldn't handle it. I lost my damn mind. I turned the show off and now I'm laying in bed trying not to have a mental breakdown all while having a damn panic attack because hand guns are my number one trigger for my mental illness. It sucks to realize a sound that used to be your comfort is now your downfall. 

My suicide attempt will never leave me and has scarred me for life. Enough to the point where the sound I used to love hearing coming from the barrel of a loaded hand gun shooting at targets in the woods is now the one sound that breaks me inside because that was going to be the last sound I ever heard when I was going to take my life and now it's a sound that almost brings me to my knees in panic and anxiety. PTSD sucks and while it was my own actions that caused this by trying to use that as my end game I just wish it wouldn't effect me this way.. trying to sleep when you get this triggered is difficult and once you get triggered to this point your whole night/rest of the week is messed up because it takes forever for it to leave your mind and when you have a mental illness your brain replays it over and over and over again until you break and you just have to decide are you strong enough to survive this time or will this be the time it finally ends you.. I just want to be better.. I just want to be normal.. but I cant and there's no getting better this is something I will fight forever and that sucks, but I will keep fighting until my last breath on this earth ;

I've realized now that when I get triggered this bad I can't stand to be in the areas where I had my biggest break down ever last year. The bathroom where I made the ultimate decision that I was going to take my own life and my bedroom because that's where the gun was and that's where I was going to end it all. The triggers we have are life long and we can't ever fully get away from them, but what do you do when the one place that is supposed to make you feel comfortable and safe becomes the place that haunts your dreams and turns them into nightmares and gives you vivid flash backs of the day you were going to end it all.

Out of all of this I have realized how hard this fight is going to be for the rest of my life, but instead of ending my life, instead of self-harming last night to deal with the pain and hurt I was feeling I curled up next to my best friend and for once in that whole couple hour experience I felt safe for the first time in a really long time. I realized in that moment that I am going to be okay. Will I have bad days? Yes Will I be suicidal again? Most likely Will I end my life? NO I wont because I will fight this battle everyday and I will stay alive for my family, my friends, myself and to show those struggling that we can survive and will survive the worst days of our lives. I will stay alive to show that we can make it through this and we can survive together. I want to stay alive to help those struggling and to show those struggling that they are not alone and that I understand what they are going through everyday because I am living it too. I want to be that support, I want to be that role model, that inspiration that you are a Badass too and you can make it through this because you are strong enough and are so worth the fight! I promise you and I know how hard it is to believe, but trust me when I say you are so worth this fight and so worth living for! Always remember to keep fighting because your WORTH IT ;

With Love,

Brittany