Britts Fight for Life (A mental health battle)

Treatment resistant isn't a word anyone every wants to hear. It means that treatments do not work for you and the doctors are out of options to help you. "You are treatment resistant" are words I never thought I would hear and words I never wanted to hear. Unfortunately this is my life. Those words are words I now have to associate with my mental illness because for me they are apart of my life now. Nothing is working for me. I have been in therapy for over a year, have taken all kids of meds, been to a psychiatrist for almost a year and have gone into an inpatient treatment center for 5 days to get help, but yet nothing is helping. I am still suicidal daily, still constantly struggling with my anxiety and constantly having nightmares/flashbacks that keep me from sleeping at night. Have you ever been told your treatment resistant? Have you ever felt like nothing is this world is worth it anymore. That's how I felt when I heard those words. I felt hopeless, I felt ...

Some days it's hard to look at your life and say I have a reason to keep living. Some days it feels like there are no reasons worth enough to stay alive, but even though it's hard to see there is a reason you keep fighting everyday. There is a reason you choose to live everyday you just have to stop, take a breath and find it.  Some of my reasons are the basic ones anyone would say who has a family. They are my main reason for living. My kids need their mom here in this world so I choose to fight my mental illness everyday to live for them and for my husband who deserves the best wife possible because he is an amazing supportive person who deserves the world, but one thing I have realized through this whole journey is that I have to find reasons to live for myself instead of always finding reasons to live for others. My heart always wants me to be the person who is always there for others, who lives for others instead of living for themselves, so that's what my life has ...

Today all I feel is anger. Anger towards my life, anger towards who I am and anger towards who ever in this world decided this was the life I deserved to live! I don't think I will ever comes to terms with the fact that this will always be my life. Like why me? Why was I chosen to live the life I have to live everyday with this mental illness. Why did I have to go through such traumatic events to cause me to have PTSD to were I can't sleep at night because of the nightmares and flashbacks. Why do I have to live with never knowing what it feels like to be genuinely happy 24/7 like some other people do.  Today I am angry. Today I am upset that this is who I have to be. I'm angry that I don't get a choice everyday for how I want to feel my brain just chooses for me. It sucks that for me there are only two choices in this life and that's to live with this for the rest of my life or end my life and end my misery.  Two options and two decisions that I constantly have...

In this world judgments are everywhere and no matter what you do some will never understand your struggle and will judge your every move. In my world that is when people say to me "your smiling in the picture and you look happy so I don't get why you complain and say your mental illness makes it hard for you to be happy cause every time I see pictures of you or see you, you seem happy to me." The thing about that judgement is 1- you have no idea where my mind is at that moment. Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm not dying inside. I have gotten so good at faking a smile that you would never know I'm suicidal at the moment because my smile looks so genuine that you think I'm truly happy when I'm not. 2- Who are you to judge me by just looking at my face. People with mental illness learn how to hide how they feel because people judge us and say well it's your choice so choose to be happy. When in reality it isn't my choice. I have said...