Anger

Today all I feel is anger. Anger towards my life, anger towards who I am and anger towards who ever in this world decided this was the life I deserved to live! I don't think I will ever comes to terms with the fact that this will always be my life. Like why me? Why was I chosen to live the life I have to live everyday with this mental illness. Why did I have to go through such traumatic events to cause me to have PTSD to were I can't sleep at night because of the nightmares and flashbacks. Why do I have to live with never knowing what it feels like to be genuinely happy 24/7 like some other people do. 
Today I am angry. Today I am upset that this is who I have to be. I'm angry that I don't get a choice everyday for how I want to feel my brain just chooses for me. It sucks that for me there are only two choices in this life and that's to live with this for the rest of my life or end my life and end my misery. 
Two options and two decisions that I constantly have to make. That's what my life is made of. My life is made of constantly making the decision to live or die and on the days where I want to die I don't really even want to die I just want to not be who I am anymore. I just want the nightmares, the flashbacks, the pain, the hurt, the constant decision making to end. I just want it all to end! 
The holidays are supposed to be happy times spent with family and friends and yet in my world I can't enjoy it because I'm constantly fighting this battle in my brain and my heart never wins! I want to constantly quit photography, I want to quit working and I want to quit working out because those are all things that make me happy beside my kids and husband, but my brain doesn't want me to be so it gives me all these reasons why I should quit them and honestly it's getting so much harder to fight the urge to just quit everything right now. All I want is to be happy and love life, but I can't because this mental illness controls me.
So today I'm angry. I'm angry that this is my life and I'm angry that no matter what medicines I take and have taken nothing can fix me. I am broken and angry and hurt and this is my reality. 
Even after all this I still know in my heart that I need to keep fighting, I need to keep staying alive if not for myself for my husband and my kids because they deserve to have their wife and mother in this world even if I feel they would be way better without all this to deal with. I have to keep fighting because they are my world and they deserve me trying and they deserve me to fight for them. So to those struggling find your reasons to keep fighting and know we are in this together and will fight this together.

With Love;

Brittany

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