Find your reason ;

Some days it's hard to look at your life and say I have a reason to keep living. Some days it feels like there are no reasons worth enough to stay alive, but even though it's hard to see there is a reason you keep fighting everyday. There is a reason you choose to live everyday you just have to stop, take a breath and find it. 
Some of my reasons are the basic ones anyone would say who has a family. They are my main reason for living. My kids need their mom here in this world so I choose to fight my mental illness everyday to live for them and for my husband who deserves the best wife possible because he is an amazing supportive person who deserves the world, but one thing I have realized through this whole journey is that I have to find reasons to live for myself instead of always finding reasons to live for others. My heart always wants me to be the person who is always there for others, who lives for others instead of living for themselves, so that's what my life has consisted of was always having a reason to live, but the reason always benefited someone else. My past is full of decisions I made based on what would be good for other people, but I have realized I need to find reasons based on what is better for myself and just myself. 
In my world its hard to find reasons outside of being a wife and mother, but I have learned that photography keeps me sane, music helps me calm down when I am in a moment of a downfall and Crossfit helps me take my anger out on weightlifting and fitness instead of taking it out on my body, and therapy every week with the horses keeps me looking forward to the end of the week and gives me a reason to continue to live so I can see the horses one more time along with my amazing therapist who saves my life on a weekly basis.While I still have days where those 4 things do nothing for me and I still lose control and end up taking my anger and hurt out on myself or others around me, but for the most part those 4 things are what keep me alive on a daily basis. I have quit  3 of them at one point over the last year because I was so down that I felt like nothing was going to save me anymore, but then I decided NO I'm not giving up on Crossfit because I need to better myself to be here for my kids and to be the best version of myself that I want to be and so I started going again, got back into a routine and decided to keep fighting because who I wanted to be was worth the fight.
Some days are going to be harder than others and some days your not going to want to do your favorite things and your not going to want to fight anymore, but just remember how far you've come, how much you've already fought to get to where you are now and remember why you kept fighting for this long. Remember that in the end this world needs you in it. Remember that you are someone who is worth fighting for even though your mind is telling you your not you are so worth the fight and while it's never going to be easy it will be worth it in the end. Do not let your mental illness end your life to early, keep fighting and keep living life to the fullest because you deserve to have the best life experiences ever for having to wake up to your mental illness everyday. Don't let it stop you from living out your dreams. Always remember to keep fighting to live another day because today may be hard, but tomorrow could be the best day of your life and if you end your life today you will never know what possibly amazing things could be waiting for you tomorrow.
Always remember you are not alone in your battles and always remember to reach out if you are feeling suicidal or have thoughts of harming yourself or others because there are people to help you get through this hard time and people who want to show you how amazing life can be if you keep choosing to live;

With Love;

Brittany

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