Real happiness?
In this world judgments are everywhere and no matter what you do some will never understand your struggle and will judge your every move. In my world that is when people say to me "your smiling in the picture and you look happy so I don't get why you complain and say your mental illness makes it hard for you to be happy cause every time I see pictures of you or see you, you seem happy to me." The thing about that judgement is 1- you have no idea where my mind is at that moment. Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm not dying inside. I have gotten so good at faking a smile that you would never know I'm suicidal at the moment because my smile looks so genuine that you think I'm truly happy when I'm not. 2- Who are you to judge me by just looking at my face. People with mental illness learn how to hide how they feel because people judge us and say well it's your choice so choose to be happy. When in reality it isn't my choice. I have said it over and over again in my blogs I don't choose this life. I would never choose this life for anyone even people I truly despise I wouldn't wish this life on them because it's hard as hell. I struggle with the will to live everyday, I have to be on medicine just to survive because when I'm off my meds my mind goes crazy and literally battles with itself on whether to live or die and most times dying wins that war. Luckily for me I have the will to live so even on those days where my meds don't work and my mind is fighting itself I can keep myself from taking my life because I know my kids deserve more and they deserve to have their mom living and loving them.
Some days are so much harder to pretend to be happy than others and my posts on Facebook reflect that. Most can tell when it's a down day, but then again I have down days pretty much all the time. My happy days are rare, but when they do come I cherish them. I cherish the days when the smile on my face is genuine and I can laugh without it being fake as hell. The nights when I am at home spending time with my kids and hubby where I genuinely feel happiness those are the memories I pick out when I am in the darkest parts of my mental illness and those moments are what keep me alive.
Will those memories always work, no sometimes they don't, sometimes I sit there and think my children deserve to have those memories with me all the time and the fact that I can't give them that drives me to want to die because they deserve so much more than I can give them especially on my dark days which happen more often than not. My mind is constantly suicidal, my mind is constantly telling me to end my life because it believes my family deserve a lot better than I will ever be able to be for them, but I fight it. I fight it everyday because I want to see my kids grow up. I want to watch them graduate high school, learn to drive, go to college if they want, get married and become a mom and dad themselves. I want to live to see what amazing people they are going to grow up to be. I want to live to see how they are going to change this world because of all I have taught them. I don't want them to grow up wondering if it was because of them that I took my own life. I never want them to wonder if they could have saved me, because the truth is even if my life ends by suicide at that point no one could save me not even myself, but I don't want them to grow up wondering why.
My mind is complicated and no one will ever understand it but me, but the one thing I want people in my world to know is while I may look genuinely happy I am struggling with the will to live everyday. I am suicidal and have thoughts of self-harm numerous times a day so checking on me and letting me know your there for me and showing me I am worth something to you helps me fight everyday. Knowing that I am worth something to other people and knowing that maybe I am helping someone out there who is struggling are what keep me grounded and keep me fighting everyday on top of wanting to fight to live another day with my husband and kids.
So if you are struggling just remember your so worth living for and this world would defiently not be better off without you. This world needs you to keep fighting, you loved ones need you to keep fighting. If you need help reach out to your support team, reach out to the hot lines or reach out to me because I am always here to help in any ways that I can. Just don't ever stop fighting because this world needs you around!
With Love;
Brittany
Some days are so much harder to pretend to be happy than others and my posts on Facebook reflect that. Most can tell when it's a down day, but then again I have down days pretty much all the time. My happy days are rare, but when they do come I cherish them. I cherish the days when the smile on my face is genuine and I can laugh without it being fake as hell. The nights when I am at home spending time with my kids and hubby where I genuinely feel happiness those are the memories I pick out when I am in the darkest parts of my mental illness and those moments are what keep me alive.
Will those memories always work, no sometimes they don't, sometimes I sit there and think my children deserve to have those memories with me all the time and the fact that I can't give them that drives me to want to die because they deserve so much more than I can give them especially on my dark days which happen more often than not. My mind is constantly suicidal, my mind is constantly telling me to end my life because it believes my family deserve a lot better than I will ever be able to be for them, but I fight it. I fight it everyday because I want to see my kids grow up. I want to watch them graduate high school, learn to drive, go to college if they want, get married and become a mom and dad themselves. I want to live to see what amazing people they are going to grow up to be. I want to live to see how they are going to change this world because of all I have taught them. I don't want them to grow up wondering if it was because of them that I took my own life. I never want them to wonder if they could have saved me, because the truth is even if my life ends by suicide at that point no one could save me not even myself, but I don't want them to grow up wondering why.
My mind is complicated and no one will ever understand it but me, but the one thing I want people in my world to know is while I may look genuinely happy I am struggling with the will to live everyday. I am suicidal and have thoughts of self-harm numerous times a day so checking on me and letting me know your there for me and showing me I am worth something to you helps me fight everyday. Knowing that I am worth something to other people and knowing that maybe I am helping someone out there who is struggling are what keep me grounded and keep me fighting everyday on top of wanting to fight to live another day with my husband and kids.
So if you are struggling just remember your so worth living for and this world would defiently not be better off without you. This world needs you to keep fighting, you loved ones need you to keep fighting. If you need help reach out to your support team, reach out to the hot lines or reach out to me because I am always here to help in any ways that I can. Just don't ever stop fighting because this world needs you around!
With Love;
Brittany
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