Britts Fight for Life (A mental health battle)

When you first get out of inpatient care everyone talks about the Pink Cloud you ride for awhile where it seems like life is perfect and the coping mechanisms you learned work great. The first time I got out of treatment back in October 2017 I rode that Pink Cloud for a while, it was like everyone was by my side making sure I was okay, checking on me and just reminding me I am so worth living for, but this time I didn't even get a cloud to ride. It was like I was thrown right back into reality and because I didn't attempt suicide this time I just had the suicidal thoughts but didn't act on them this time it doesn't matter as much. My Pink Cloud popped before it even got to me and now I just have this black cloud hanging over me. When you have been in facility for 6 days that becomes your reality and then when you get put back into the real world you have to try and readjust to your life. You have to take your new medicines, keep on a schedule so you don't fall ba...

6 days that's how long it takes for a person to become unfamiliar with their background. I've learned this 2 different times now.  I've been MIA for the last 6 days. I havent wrote a blog, wrote a post, took a picture or even breathed fresh air. I had a mental breakdown and felt for my own safety that once again I needed extra help that I couldnt get from the outside world. I voluntarily admitted myself into Pine Rest at the hospital in my home town.  Once again I was locked away from Thursday night till Tuesday afternoon. It was a very hard time and I lost my way a couple times while in treatment but for me it was either Life or Death and I chose Life.  I chose to go get in patient treatment to save me from the demons in my head. I chose to go get help instead of dying by my own hands. No one truly understand the depths of my mental illness except for me since I live it everyday but just know this choice I made was hard, but needed to happen to save me from m...

Today is a day that I can't hide the fact that I'm not okay. I had an idea for what I wanted to write in a blog and it was happy and uplifting, but then last night into this morning my mind flipped it's switch and I literally can't think of anything other than wanting to die. Mental illness is never easy. It's a struggle everyday and while people in my world my not understand I have no control over my mind. It goes in whatever directions it pleases and I just have to fight it. Today I am fighting so hard to stay alive. Today is a day where I could literally just give up and I wouldn't care, but my heart keeps telling me to fight. Fight with everything I have to stay alive. I can't let my brain win because if I let my brain win my kids wont have a mom, my husband wont have a wife, my parents wont have their daughter. So many lives would be affected and that's what my heart keeps telling me and yet my brain keeps telling me they'd be better off withou...

 Life is like a roller coaster. Everyone has ups and downs in their life, but when you have a mental illness your downs are horrible and your ups are few and fare between. My life has always been a constant roller coaster. it's never been easy, but for most of my life I tried to hide that there was anything wrong because I just so desperately wanted to fit in with the kids around me that I learned to pretend to be happy at a super young age and got so good at it that until I ended up in a mental facility last year no one in my world knew just how bad my mental illness truly was. I have always loved roller coaster it was something I got from my dad, but the roller coaster at which my life is I absolutely hate it. Speaking of my father if you had read my previous blogs you know he hasn't been apart of my life for a while now which was heartbreaking for me, but recently he has come back into my life and it has been great. The thing about this situation is that it's still a ...

Everyone will define loneliness in different ways. Being lonely isn't just about being alone with no one around. In my world true loneliness is when your surrounded by people and yet no one in that room understands what your mind is dealing with at that moment. Being lonely for me is being with the people I love and no one being able to save me from the hell inside my head. That's pure loneliness. In this world everyone feels lonely at some point, but what I never realized was when you have a mental illness the depth of loneliness you feel is intense and heartbreaking. All you want is for someone to come along and say "hey I know your battling something inside your mind and I understand cause I battle with it too", but it's so hard to find people who truly understand or even to find people who want to truly understand what you go through. That's another stage of my loneliness is feeling alone because no one wants to try and understand what I am going throug...

Happy 2019 to all my readers of my blog. It means the world to me that I have some readers and I hope I am impacting your life in some positive way with my blogs. Since it's now 2019 and everyone is talking about new year resolutions I thought I'd write a new blog about mine.  It seems like every where I turn someone is making a resolution about getting healthier, more fit, be a better version of themselves, go on vacation or something along those lines, but for my I have decided that one my new years resolutions is going to be to survive. Surviving 2019 is my resolution because my mental illness is constantly trying to end me and all I want is to survive this. I do not want my life to end by my own hands, but that's a constant struggle for me so this year I am going to fight, I'm going to live my life to the fullest and I am going to survive another year and I will survive this battle once again and will live to see 2020.  Another resolution of mine is to impact p...