I chose life ;

6 days that's how long it takes for a person to become unfamiliar with their background. I've learned this 2 different times now. 

I've been MIA for the last 6 days. I havent wrote a blog, wrote a post, took a picture or even breathed fresh air. I had a mental breakdown and felt for my own safety that once again I needed extra help that I couldnt get from the outside world. I voluntarily admitted myself into Pine Rest at the hospital in my home town. 

Once again I was locked away from Thursday night till Tuesday afternoon. It was a very hard time and I lost my way a couple times while in treatment but for me it was either Life or Death and I chose Life. 

I chose to go get in patient treatment to save me from the demons in my head. I chose to go get help instead of dying by my own hands. No one truly understand the depths of my mental illness except for me since I live it everyday but just know this choice I made was hard, but needed to happen to save me from myself. 

Now that I am out of the hospital I am trying to adjust to normal life again. I walked out of that hospital with my head held high knowing I did what was best for not only myself but for my kids because they deserve their mother in their life for a very long time.

I am not shy about my struggles and I am not shy about telling my story. I am alive right now because I chose to get help. I'm still breathing, laughing, smiling, loving my husband and kids because I chose to get help and to save my life. I am not ashamed of my decision because I know it was the right one for me to make.

I decided to write a blog regarding my struggles and my inpatient care because I want to show those struggling that it is 100 percent okay to get help when you need it most. It is perfectly okay to need inpatient help more than one time and it is not something you should ever be ashamed of. I was so scared of what people would think or do if i got help again that I waited to get inpatient help when it was almost to late. By the time i got inpatient help i was very suicidal and was to the point that if I would have been alone I probably would have died by my own hands and I never want to die by my hands even though I feel like I want to everyday I stand here today and can say I never truly want to die by my hands.

I fight my brain everyday to make sure I dont die by my hands. I want all my supporters and those struggling to know that I am holding my head up high and I am standing on my own two feet fighting this mental illness everyday and will continue to fight until the day my heart stops beating.

While in treatment I read a book called Ceacked Not Broken by Kevin Hines. I recommend everyone read it (those suffering and those who are the support team for those suffering). He talks about his stays in inpatient treatment and how he got through those days to live mentally healthy. I learned so much and got such a great appreciation for my life and my struggle from reading his book. He tells his story and has become the reason I choose to share mine. He is such an inspiration everyday that I hope someday I can be for others struggling like me.

I hope in some way my story has helped those who are suffering and also those who know someone who is suffering. If you are suffering just know your not alone and know that reaching out and getting help isn't a failure, but the strongest thing you could ever do for yourself and those who love you. You are strong enough to live this life and you will get through this! You are so worth living for! 

With all my love;

Brittany