Loneliness & Love

Everyone will define loneliness in different ways. Being lonely isn't just about being alone with no one around. In my world true loneliness is when your surrounded by people and yet no one in that room understands what your mind is dealing with at that moment. Being lonely for me is being with the people I love and no one being able to save me from the hell inside my head. That's pure loneliness.

In this world everyone feels lonely at some point, but what I never realized was when you have a mental illness the depth of loneliness you feel is intense and heartbreaking. All you want is for someone to come along and say "hey I know your battling something inside your mind and I understand cause I battle with it too", but it's so hard to find people who truly understand or even to find people who want to truly understand what you go through. That's another stage of my loneliness is feeling alone because no one wants to try and understand what I am going through. There are some amazing people in my world who look into my diagnosis, research how to handle someone like myself, how to deal with someone who has mental illness and the biggest one is they read this blog to learn what is happening in my head and they find ways to support me through this blog and my pictures. There are those though in my world though that could honestly care less because the world revolves around them. If it doesn't deal with them they don't care. That's loneliness right there. It's lonely when your surrounded by those who don't support you and it's heart breaking to know that your supposed to call those people your family and yet they don't even care enough about you to reach out and see how your doing. 

I felt true loneliness when I came home from the hospital last year and certain people didn't even care enough to ask me if I needed anything or even just say I'm here if you need me. These were people I thought I had a relationship with and now I see them every other week and there is nothing there because if they didn't care about me when I was wanting to die they obviously never cared about me any way and that right there is loneliness. Having to be in a house where you know people don't give two shits whether you live or die is loneliness and heartbreak all at the same time. 

Loneliness is such a heartbreaking thing to feel, but then again love is such an uplifting thing to feel. I feel so loved everyday that the loneliness is a distant thing most days. My support system the few people who are in it are so supportive and loving that the loneliness I feel most days isn't so bad because knowing I have those people in my court makes it so much easier to deal with the loneliness I often feel. The people in my court that truly love me help with my loneliness. The important thing to know about loneliness is that as long as you have at least a couple people on your side who truly try their best to understand you and your mental illness in the end everything will be okay and the loneliness you feel right now wont always be there because the love of those people will counteract the loneliness. Just remember not to let the loneliness you feel right now take over your life and let some love in because in order to survive this you need it all. Sometimes you need the loneliness to realize who's there for you and who isn't, but then you also need the love to save you when you get to the points where you don't even want to live anymore.

Always remember you are worth living for and you are strong enough to get through the loneliness you feel and from someone who knows how it feels I am always here and I honestly whole hardheartedly know how you feel. We will get through this loneliness and we will survive because we are warriors!

With Love,

Brittany