My struggles are real..I feel like I'm losing myself

Today is a day that I can't hide the fact that I'm not okay. I had an idea for what I wanted to write in a blog and it was happy and uplifting, but then last night into this morning my mind flipped it's switch and I literally can't think of anything other than wanting to die. Mental illness is never easy. It's a struggle everyday and while people in my world my not understand I have no control over my mind. It goes in whatever directions it pleases and I just have to fight it. Today I am fighting so hard to stay alive. Today is a day where I could literally just give up and I wouldn't care, but my heart keeps telling me to fight. Fight with everything I have to stay alive. I can't let my brain win because if I let my brain win my kids wont have a mom, my husband wont have a wife, my parents wont have their daughter. So many lives would be affected and that's what my heart keeps telling me and yet my brain keeps telling me they'd be better off without me, they'd be happier without me because who wants to have to deal with someone like me every day. It tells me over and over again they deserve better. They deserve someone who can be happy and love life not someone who struggles everyday not to end their life.

I feel like I'm slowing losing who I want to be and who I have worked so hard to be over the last year. I feel like no matter how hard I work I still fall and this time I just can't get up. This hole I've fallen into is too deep that I can't just get out of it. I feel like I'm not enough to make a difference and that this blog is pointless because really who am I helping. I feel like quitting everything because there's no way I'm good enough. I'm not a good enough writer or person to make a difference in someone else's life. I'll never be a good enough photographer to make it my life. I'll never be enough for anyone because of my mental illness. I will never be good enough to actually do what my heart wants and help people.

My mind is just in such a dark place right now that writing a happy uplifting blog just isn't in the cards and for that I am sorry. I know it's hard for people to understand why I just can't change my way of thinking and make myself happy, but that borderline personality at its finest for you. I try my best to stay positive and push the suicidal thoughts out of my head, but some days that's just not possible and unfortunately it's a part of my life that I have to deal with everyday and some days are just harder than others and today is one of those days. So I'm sorry, I'm sorry today isn't a good day for me, I'm sorry if I ignore the people I love today because I just can't deal with anything other than keeping myself alive right now, I'm sorry if I don't wanna talk about it because talking about ti just makes me feel even guiltier for wanting to die and I'm sorry for my support team for having to deal with me like this because I hate myself for making anyone's life harder because of my mental illness. 

Today is a hard day and I wanted to try my hardest to hide it but I just can't so I decided to write my shit out because it's easier than trying to explain it to everyone. 

If you are struggling today just know you are not alone. I am struggling with you and I understand what you are dealing with and going through. I am here for you. We will get through this hard time because we are strong enough! We are worth living! So as Kevin Hines would say Be Here Tomorrow and everyday after that. I always go back to him saying that to me in person last year because sometimes his words are the only thing that keep me alive. Just remember you are worth it and you will get through the hard times because you are strong enough.

With Love;

Brittany