Pink Cloud

When you first get out of inpatient care everyone talks about the Pink Cloud you ride for awhile where it seems like life is perfect and the coping mechanisms you learned work great. The first time I got out of treatment back in October 2017 I rode that Pink Cloud for a while, it was like everyone was by my side making sure I was okay, checking on me and just reminding me I am so worth living for, but this time I didn't even get a cloud to ride. It was like I was thrown right back into reality and because I didn't attempt suicide this time I just had the suicidal thoughts but didn't act on them this time it doesn't matter as much. My Pink Cloud popped before it even got to me and now I just have this black cloud hanging over me.

When you have been in facility for 6 days that becomes your reality and then when you get put back into the real world you have to try and readjust to your life. You have to take your new medicines, keep on a schedule so you don't fall back into your old bad routine with all the bad habits. You have to learn how to cope without a doctor and nurses checking up on you everyday keeping your thoughts and self harm cravings in check. You come back to your reality and all the things that could kill you. It's so hard to go from a protected environment, to an environment that has all the things your brain wants to use to kill you. 

People tell me to just have faith and that God is with me. I get that some people believe that and that's your choice in life, but I don't believe in shit right now and everyone in my world needs to understand that and not push their views on me cause right now I don't want to hear it and I don't need that. I am struggling so bad this time after getting out that I don't believe in anything and I don't have time to put my faith into anyone, but myself. I have faith in myself that I will survive because I am strong enough, but I don't have faith in any God right now and people need to respect that. 

I am thankful that I do have the support system that I do have in the outside world, the ones who called me when I was away or came to visit me because without that support I would not be sitting here writing this blog. Without my amazing support system I would be dead, but because of them I am alive and writing this blog for those who know someone struggling or are struggling themselves. 

If you are struggling please just always remember getting help is not wrong in any way. You know what you need, you know how to save yourself. Go get help no matter what anyone says if you feel you need to go then go. No matter what anyone thinks you need to save yourself. I know it feels like you'll be a disappointment to everyone and that everyone will be upset that you relapsed with your mental health and had to go get help again, but it's better to feel that then to end your life and those thoughts are probably wrong anyone. I thought that and that's why I didn't get help right away because I was so afraid of what everyone would think about me having to go get help again, but I had to overcome that when it got to the point where I wasn't even safe at work anymore I knew no matter what anyone else thought I had to go get inpatient treatment to save myself from myself.

one thing I can tell you about getting help for the 2nd time was that I learned who my true friends were. Those people are the ones who I know no matter what will always be there for me and to those people I can't thank you all enough. You all know who you are. To the ones who have not reached out to me or said one word to me you can frankly go screw yourselves. To not care enough to reach out to someone you can clearly tell is struggling and call yourself their friends or their family is just ridiculous and I don't need you in my life so I am shutting the door on those relationships because I don't need people in my life who don't care about me. So to all of you maybe if you read this you will learn something. Whether its your friend or your family if you see them struggling reach out to them because you never know to them it could mean life or death. To those who have supported me this whole time I don't know what I would do with out you, but in reality I guess I do know. I wouldn't be in this world anymore if it wasn't for all your guys love and support. I know I am not an easy person to love or deal with, but I hope you all know I love you endlessly and can't thank you all enough for always being here for me no matter what state of mind I am in. I know it's hard trying to understand all of this, but I hope you all know I appreciate you staying in my life and caring for me as much as possible. I love you all so much.

To those struggling get help it's literally the best thing you can do for yourself even though it doesn't feel like it at times it will help you. 

To those who know someone struggling reach out to them. Offer to help them in any way they need. Get them help if you feel they are a danger to themselves. They might be mad at you for a little bit but it could be the difference between them living and them dying by their own hands so reach out and let them know you care and are there for them no matter where their head is at.

With Love ;

Brittany