Roller coaster ;

 Life is like a roller coaster. Everyone has ups and downs in their life, but when you have a mental illness your downs are horrible and your ups are few and fare between. My life has always been a constant roller coaster. it's never been easy, but for most of my life I tried to hide that there was anything wrong because I just so desperately wanted to fit in with the kids around me that I learned to pretend to be happy at a super young age and got so good at it that until I ended up in a mental facility last year no one in my world knew just how bad my mental illness truly was.
I have always loved roller coaster it was something I got from my dad, but the roller coaster at which my life is I absolutely hate it. Speaking of my father if you had read my previous blogs you know he hasn't been apart of my life for a while now which was heartbreaking for me, but recently he has come back into my life and it has been great. The thing about this situation is that it's still a lot of hurt and broken trust and abandonment issues that I have to deal with and yet people act like because he is back in my life I should be all better now. That's not how mental illness works at all. Just because my father is back in my life and things are going really good and I'm so happy to have him back in mine and my kids life he is not the reason for my mental illness. Yes he did attribute to some of the reasons I have issues, but my mental illness has always been with me. From the moment I started getting bullied in elementary school I knew there was something not right with me. I knew my sadness wasn't just that sadness I knew there was more to it, I knew it was deeper than just being sad from being bullied, but I hid it because I wanted to feel like a normal kid and assumed everyone would just tell me to get over it and be happy because people believe happiness is a choice you make when you wake up in the morning, but for me that has never been the case.
When I wake up in the morning my brain controls how I feel. I don't have a choice. I definitely don't wake up and think hmm am I going to be happy, depressed, angry or some other feeling, no I wake up and my brain tells me how to feel and I can't change it. I feel everything so deeply and my chemical imbalance makes me feel certain ways no matter what I really want to feel. Just because someone has come back into my life who did impact my mental illness that doesn't just automatically mean I will be perfectly okay now because I am not okay. I have a mental illness, I have a chemical imbalance in my brain, I have Borderline Personality Disorder which is something that I will have the rest of my life and have had my whole life just didn't know it. It's not something that just goes away.
Please be understanding when you are talking to someone with a mental illness. Be careful what you say, how you say it and just know they don't choose to be this way. We can't fix how our bodies are and we struggle to stay alive everyday so please just be understanding and try to realize that while our roller coaster is up sometimes on the best hill of our lives we know that our coaster is going to come crashing down at some point and we can't help that so please just be caring, understanding and constantly loving to the person or people you know who struggle with mental illness everyday because we need that not your criticism and hurtful words about how we are choosing to feel this way because I am here to tell you we are not choosing this for anything! 
If you are struggling just know that there are people out there that do care and understand what you are going through and how you feel. Just know you are worth the struggle and worth loving. You are worth living this life. You are worth it all!

With Love,

Brittany

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