True Panic

The worst parts of having PTSD is when you run into something that triggers your fear, anxiety and true panic. I havent really had a run in with my biggest trigger besides in movies or on TV, but today I had a run in with my biggest trigger in person sitting right in front of me. 
The moment I stood in front of my trigger I panicked. I tried my hardest to ignore the fear and panic that was setting in. I didnt know what to do so I tried to ignore it, but in the end it all became to much to handle. Knowing I was that close to the one object I wanted to use at one point to take my own life was to much for me. I had one of the worst panic attacks of my life and am still trying to come down from it.
The panic consumes me. The fear controls me. The anxiety breaks me. I thought I was over this part of my life. I have watched movies with my trigger in it, I have watched TV shows with it in it and I have been okay besides a little anxiety at first, but coming face to face with this object just over powered me and took over. I cant move on from it. I cant just walk away from it. The pain and fear are taking over my brain. The fear of what would happen if I was alone with my trigger and the thoughts that come with that fear are so intense that theres nothing I can do to walk away from it all.
How do people live like this. How do people continue to survive when this is what my life has come to? This situation makes me wonder how someone could ever wanna love me because I cant control my anxiety and my panic and I freak out and cry. Why would someone choose to spend their time and love on someone who has break downs and who's brain is always trying to kill them. 
I had an amazingly good post to write that was inspirational and happy, but today all I feel is fear and panic. I'm sorry to all my readers for this down post, but I just cant get anything positive right now and I thought maybe writing this out would show others that I truly know what it's like to struggle. I also wanted to show everyone a real side of PTSD. To show everyone that it's not just soldiers who have been to war that can get PTSD, that anyone who has had a severe traumatic event can have it and my suicide attempt is the reason for mine. My triggers consume me and make my mind go to the darkest places. I am not perfect. I have some really amazing days, but today just isn't one of them. 
For my readers, if you see someone struggling reach out, be there for them, hug them, comfort them, let them know your there no matter what state of mind they are in. Be kind to them and know that their bad day wont last forever, but that there will always be ups and downs for them. Show them your endless love. If you are the one struggling reach out for help. Tell someone your struggling and tell them how they can be there for you. Let them in so they can help you get through the bad days. Be kind to yourself and know that there will be days where you will see your worth living for and that the bad days dont last forever. You are worth living for so keep fighting because you are stronger than you feel right now and you are so worth it! There are so many adventures left to go on so make sure you are here to do them all!

With love,
Brittany

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