Real talk

The thing that truly sucks about living with BPD is the constant feeling and fear of being a disappointment to those around you. No matter what you do you always feel like it will never be good enough for people to ever truly love you and while that is such a hard thing to overcome the hardest part in all of it is constantly feeling like a disappointment to yourself. 

Lately it seems like no matter what I do I just can't make myself happy or feel like I have accomplished anything. I get up, go to work everyday, go home, love my family and go work out, but somehow at the end of the day I always feel like I didn't do enough. I feel like I haven't lived up to the expectations of those around me and what they want me to be. It's like no matter how hard I try to make myself a better person I always feel like I failed. 

Last night after working out I lost my mind. I cried because I felt so disappointed in how I did and felt that I wasn't good enough for it anymore. Last night made me question why I even started Crossfit in the first place, why I keep going and why in the hell did I think for one second I could ever amount to being as good at the work outs as the others. It's so hard to get out of this head space. Even when people are telling me it's okay and I should be proud of myself for even getting the strength to go work out in the first place, it's still so hard to redirect my mind to a better place. 

Putting that aside I have been doing therapy for over a year now with hardly missing any of my appointments which for me is a serious accomplishment because by a month I would have normally just stopped going. While in therapy I try not to hold anything back because it's the one chance I get to say everything I am feeling without someone judging me. I feel like when I voice my opinions on facebook or even here sometimes people think I'm over reacting or looking for attention, but the truth is I just want to get my shit out there because it helps me clear my head and it also makes me feel like I am helping someone out there who needs to know they aren't alone in their struggles. Lately it feels like even my support group has been falling apart. People don't care enough anymore to ask me if I'm okay or check in on me anymore. I get questioned if I am taking my medication everyday and when I say Yes I get asked if I'm lying like I'm a child who never tells the truth when in reality I take my morning medication everyday at the exact same time everyday and have been for months now. 

Lately it just feels like everywhere I turn I am being judge by the people I thought were in my corner and it hurts. It breaks my heart to think the people I trust the most think I'm lying to them when I'm telling them the truth hoping they have enough faith in me to know I wouldn't lie to them about something as serious as taking medication that helps save my life from suicide everyday. 

On top of that I get God thrown in my face every time I turn around and then have to listen to someone I love and care about most that I disappoint them because I don't believe in God anymore. It makes me wonder if we would be where we are today if I would have been completely honest in the beginning and told you straight out I haven't believed in God since I was 15 years old. Would you have wanted to be with me and have a life with me if you knew that the person you thought I was, was a complete lie because I just wanted to be normal. Would you still have chosen me if you knew that who I am at this very moment, a person who doesn't believe in God, a person who wants to die everyday, a person who can never truly be happy, a rebel, a girl who's favorite color is black, a girl who loves everything paranormal and believes in ghost and demons. If you knew this was the person I have always been, but shoving away for years because I didn't want to upset my family and thought no one could ever love someone like me would you still have chosen me or would you have walked away like everyone else and called me crazy and thought I was horrible for not believing in the exact same things you, your family and my family do.

This woman that I am today, the one who loves black because she feels like that's the true color of her soul , wants to be the ultimate ghost hunter, maybe a storm chaser, adventurous sky diving, dark photography loving, mental health warrior, crossfitter, non believer in God person is who I have always been. I hide this girl for so long because I craved being normal, I never wanted to feel like I was a disappointment to my family and all I ever wanted was to just be loved, so I hid her and pretend to be someone I wasn't to get love and now that I have decided to be the girl I shoved away for all those years I get told I have disappointed someone I love and care about more than anything in the world all because I choose to not believe in God. My heart feels like it's breaking because I feel like I can't be who I want to be anymore. Like these last a couple of months being this free and proud of who I am has been great but now I feel like I have to shove that away again just so you'll choose to stay in my life and that sucks.

I just want to be me. I just want to be loved endlessly without having to hide the parts I love the most about myself. Everyone has their own beliefs and yet when I express mine in a setting that I feel is my safe place I get told I have disappointed someone and now I feel like I have to shove this person back inside and pretend to be someone I'm not just to make everyone happy. All I want is to be able to be true to myself for once in my life and be the person I am meant to be. I want to make people happy, I want people's love, but sometimes I honestly would just rather be completely alone and be who I truly am rather than be someone I'm not just to please everyone around me. I'd rather love myself and who I am as a person and be alone rather than be loved by a bunch of people for being someone I'm not and living a lie the rest of my life. 

My advice to anyone who reads this post is 1. Be yourself even if that means living the rest of your life alone because it's better to be alone then to live your life unhappy pretending to be someone your not 2. Know without a doubt no matter what your brain tells you that you are worth living for 3. Find adventure and live life to the fullest 4. Get help when you need it because even though it feels like a disappointment it's better to be alive and fixing yourself then to die feeling like you disappointed everyone around you and 5. Know that no matter what you are going through there is always someone else going through something too and if you reach out you never know you might just help save not only someone else, but yourself too.

Always remember you can't love other's until you love yourself. Find what makes you happy and be that person everyday because you only have one life to live so live it as yourself not someone everyone wants you to be. Remember you are worth living for today, tomorrow and everyday.

With Love;

Brittany