Chasing the sunset

Life is never going to be easy when you are living with a mental illness. It is always going to be a struggle. That's nothing new right? I've said that a hundred times and yet here I am right now wondering why in the hell my life has to be this way and what did I do to deserve this life I am forced to live. This week has been hard, hell the last couple weeks have been some of the hardest weeks of my life. Starting a new job is never easy especially when it's changing the time you work. I went from working during the day to working during the night and it's been hell. I thought for once I had made the right choice. I would work all night and be able to do thins with my kids during the day and not have to pay a babysitter which would help financially and yet here I sit dying inside because of the choice I made.
People in my life will think I'm stupid and crazy, but I made the decision to quit this job in order to keep myself safe/ Being alone at night may not be much for some people, but for me it's terrifying because my brain goes into overdrive and I have way to much time on my hands alone to let my brain wonder and come up with a million ways to die and reasons why I said should die. For me it's all about survival and leaving this job is the best way to survive right now. 
As the weeks have gone on I have been falling deeper and deeper into a depressive hole that I am struggling to get myself out of. I have been struggling to keep myself alive. I have been struggling with the urge to take my pain away in ways that are not acceptable, but the only way I feel I can cope with the shit going on in my head. I have been struggling with getting out of my head and feeling like maybe my rain is right and I just don't belong in this world, that maybe just maybe I am not good enough for this world and I no longer deserve to be here. I am struggling and I am falling deeper and deeper into a hole I can't climb out of. It's like I'm hanging onto the side of a cliff and my hands are starting to slip with no one to catch me when I start to fall.
I am struggling with finding any reason to keep living and this is such a scary place to be so any little tiny piece of light I can find in my dark world can help me get through this and hopefully help me crawl off the side of the cliff instead of falling from it. Quitting my job was the first step to helping me get off the cliff because going back to a normal working during the day, sleeping at night, having energy and drive to go workout and be with people again will lift anyone's spirits. The second thing I realized tonight on my way to work that is helping me get off this cliff is the amazing Sunset I saw on my way into work. It was absolutely breath taking and made me realize I have so much worth fighting for. I need to keep fighting for my family, for myself and to keep chasing the sunsets. I made a blog before about staying for the sunrise, but what many don't know about me is that I can never choose between what I love most Sunrises or Sunsets and it's because honestly they both have such meaning to me. I wanna live to see the beautiful sunrise everyday because that means it's a new day and a new beginning to make myself better. The sunset reminds me that I survived another day and that I was strong enough to survive that day so I am strong enough to survive anything. Tonight this sunset made me realize that even though I feel like a complete and utter failure as a wife and mom right now I am still worth living for. I am still worth fighting for and I am strong enough to live to see this amazing sunset and will make it through the night to see the beautiful sunrise tomorrow morning. 
If you are struggling right now please know you are not alone I am right there with you, but remember you are strong enough even when you don't feel like it. You are worth the fight and you are worth living for. This world would be worthless without you in it. Keep fighting because theses beautiful Sunsets are worth living another day to see!

With Love,

Brittany









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