Find your home

Everyday with a mental illness is a struggle. No two days are exactly the same struggles. One day the struggle is having anxiety about literally every aspect of your life, the next it's being depressed about where your life is at in that moment compared to where you dreamed it would be and then the next second your in your bathroom looking at yourself in the mirror wondering why the hell anyone would ever choose to love you and you fall to the floor because the pain of the war going on between your head and your heart is to much to bare and your looking for anything to take your pain away. In that moment everything falls apart and you start to fall into the black hole you've come to know so well.

Right now that hole is where I am at. I'm clinging to the side of the hole and trying not to let myself completely hit the bottom because I know what happens when I hit bottom I lose all control and push the ones I love away because who the hell wants to love someone who wants to die everyday.Who in their right mind would stick around someone who can't keep their shit together. This is what goes through my head when I look in the mirror at myself. When I first look in the mirror my heart says Look at you your so strong, your a fighter, you have a black soul, but deep down your so loving and even though your super unconventional you are you and you should be proud of that no matter what anyone else thinks! And yet in the next second my brain yells SHUT UP to my heart and goes into over drive telling me no one could ever truly love me, people just stick around because they feel sorry for me, they don't want to be the reason I choose to die so they stick around to make themselves feel better, but damn look at yourself who could ever truly love that, who would want to be with someone like you, someone who's soul is black as night, who doesn't believe in any religion besides Wicca and who can't hold herself together for more than a couple days at a time. That's when I fall to the floor and wonder what the hell am I even still doing here. Like really why am I still living?

My brain is constantly trying to kill me and some days I just want to let it because I can't take the pain and hurt anymore, but then I remember how many times I have survived. How many times I have looked at my razor and thought lets just end it now and instead of doing it I just walked away and say to myself NO this is not how you are leaving this world. I remember the hospital stays and remind myself that I choose to live for my kids and my family and I need to keep living for them because they deserve to have me in their life, they don't deserve the hurt and pain that burying me will cause them. The pain in my head is real and it's intense and I'm not in a good place right now so this blog is seriously just all over he damn place, but it just shows that I am real, my struggles re real, this blog isn't just to see how many views and readers I can get, it's to help those struggling know they are not alone and to show those who love someone who is struggling that this is what they are going through and this is why they need all your love and support every minute of everyday whether you truly understand or not.

My intent for this blog was just to talk about why I haven't wrote in a while and where my head has been at and let me tell you it's not a good place which is why I haven't written because honestly I just didn't know where to start or what to say besides I'm struggling with the will to live right now and trying my hardest to cope in a healthy way right now instead of doing what my brain wants me to do. The last thing I want is to relapse on harming myself. I have been doing so well and am going on almost 4 months of dealing with my pain in healthy ways instead of taking the pain out on my body that I didn't want to write a blog and let it all out and end up not being able to cope and relapsing. I'm trying so hard right now to stay stable and stay out of the hospital and giving my life my all because my kids deserve their mother to be around.

My other intent for this blog was to talk about home and finding yours. Now I am not talking about a physical home where you sleep every night and pay bills on, I'm talking about the home you find in someone else. For the longest time I never knew where my true home was and even though I have been married almost 9 years now and with that person for 10 years all together it wasn't until my first hospital stay that I truly realized what the saying Home is where your heart is actually meant. The day I woke up in my first psychiatric hospital ever I felt so alone. I thought for sure no one loved me anymore and that they all hated me for wanting to end my life and lying to them all these years about how mentally unstable I truly was. I thought for sure I wasn't going to have any visitors and thought if I did it would be someone coming to tell me that my husband was going to take my kids and divorce me. I never thought I would seem him or my kids again. I went through every emotion that first morning even though he told me himself he was coming up to visit me that night my head kept telling me it was just a lie to keep me in the dark until he could get the divorce stated, but the came visitation time and he showed up. The second I saw him I finally realized the saying Home is where the heart is was true because my heart was sitting on that couch. It wasn't in the house we shared together it was in him. He had my heart and that's when I knew he was my home. I guess the reason I wanted to share this is for all of those struggling who think their loved ones don't truly love them. It's hard to see sometimes, but when you look at your loved one really take a second to just look at them. Remind yourself why you fell in love with them, why your still in love with them, why they are worth fighting for and then take a deep breath and tell yourself they are your home and they have our heart. No matter what your brain is telling you listen to what your heart is trying to tell you. Listen to what your heart is saying and find your home because once you find that the fight won't be as hard, the pain won't be as painful and the dark days won't last as long. Find your home and fight for that everyday. When you feel like your falling fight for that home, fight for that love because no matter what yur head is telling you, you are so worth that love and you are so worth the fight! Always remember you are WORTH IT! Never give up because you are someone's home and they need you in this world just like you need them.

With love;

Brittany