Work - One of the biggest struggles

Work it's something almost every one does every day to help support themselves and their families. I have always been someone who was super dedicated to whatever job I was doing. I have always tried my hardest to make whatever job I was doing work out even if I hated it because I knew it meant the difference between my kids eating and not eating, but in a reality working is hard for me. I never feel like I'm in the right spot, I never feel like I am comfortable or needed where I'm at and I always feel like I'm not good enough to do my job. These feelings are all because of my mental illness. My mental state determines how I feel about my job on an everyday basis. Sadly for me most of the time I feel worthless. I try to stay at jobs for as long as I can so it doesn't look bad on my resume and lets other companies know that I am a hard worker and not a job hopper, but recently I have been seriously struggling with staying at my last two jobs.

I recently (a month ago) left a job that I was only at for a year. I couldn't stay there anymore due to how I was being treated after coming back to work after being hospitalized for suicidal thoughts. I made the choice to go get help and yet I come back to work and get treated like I have some disease and worth nothing because you know I don't already feel worthless enough everyday that I totally needed my team leader at work to make me feel even more worthless. I think my Facebook post that I posted once everyone who needed to know knew I was quitting says it all so I will post it here to give all those who didn't see that a perspective of why I had to get out of there and could no longer stick it out. While I am not going to talk bad about the company I am leaving because the company its self is not bad and the company is not why I am leaving I will say that the reason I am leaving is due to how I have been treated since coming back to my job after being in the hospital due to mental health issues a couple months ago. 

Everyone on my Facebook/blog knows how open I am about my mental health struggles and how I stand up for getting rid of the stigmas attached to mental health issues so me leaving this company is 100 percent due to how I have been treated by a team leader since they found out I have mental health problems. I loved working for this company, but due to how this person has treated me and nothing being done about it I have chosen to leave. I am by no means saying this company is horrible because honestly it's not it's an amazing company, but due to the fact that I have been treated a certain way strictly because of my mental health I have chosen to leave. 

My mental state is more important than any job and I will always 100 percent stand for what I believe in and stand for my values in life. Mental health doesn't define who you are as a person. I am a hard worker, I do my job and yes I struggle everyday feeling like I'm worthless and not worth living for so for someone to turn around and treat me like I'm nothing it causes my mental issues to get worse and unfortunately it's been so bad that I am now having to leave my job. I hope that someday this person will realize how they treat people especially those they know are struggling already could be the difference between that person living or dying. 

This job that I left for the reasons stated above taught me that no job is worth losing my life over. No matter how bad I wanted to stick it out because it was full time and paid amazing, paying with my life was just not worth it. This is one of the many reasons I have hid my mental illness from the world for so long because when people find out you struggle with suicidal thoughts they treat you like your damaged goods, not worth their time and respect. 

I started a new job, I thought it was going to be exactly what I needed. It is at night so I knew in the summer I would get endless time with my kids and during the school year I would get to go on all the field trips without having to beg someone for a day off, but now that I've been working it for a couple weeks I am realizing it is taking a toll on me mentally and physically, but mostly mentally. Mentally it's hard to be alone in my head all night and then sleeping during the day and waking up to an empty house alone before the kids get home from school. In my head is the absolute worse place for me to be. I thought I'd be okay, but it's slowly sinking in that I'm not okay. I'm not okay being alone all night, I'm realizing it's a very dangerous place for me to be. In my own head for 8 hours a night while everyone I love that can normally get me out of my head is fast asleep. 

Working when you have a mental illness is hard and most days I can do it, but lately I just feel like I can't find my place anywhere in this world and that sucks because I am struggling with the will to even live everyday that now I constantly feel out of place with work and it makes me think even more that I am just not made for this world. I'm terrified that I am once again losing myself. I just want to find my place in this world and feel like I belong again. I just want to feel like I have a purpose and a reason to keep living again. I'm so sick of feeling lost and out of place.

I wish I could end this blog with something amazing to say to help those who are struggling or those who know someone struggling, but today I just can't. I can't get myself there today and for that I am sorry. The one thing I will say though is that even though I don't feel it right now you are all worth living for and even though it gets hard sometimes just remember you are worth the fight so keep fighting till the end because you are completely worth the fight!

With Love,

Brittany