Losing yourself ;

The worst feeling in the world is when you look in the mirror and have no clue who the person is starring back at you. Today was that day. I looked at myself in the mirror and had no idea who I was anymore. I have no job, I have no workout routine and my photography business is going no where. It's like the things that held me together have fallen apart and I don't know how to fix it. I'm losing control of myself. I'm starting to drown and I feel like I have nothing to hold me up anymore. 
Photography is one thing that I've always had close to my heart. Even on my worst days taking a photo of nature or an unexpected photo of a loved one would pull me out of whatever I was feeling, but lately I feel like not even that is holding me together anymore. I started a business because I had people tell me I had talent and an eye for capturing great images. I had people who supported me and told me I'd be great. Yet here I am struggling to find clients, struggling to get my work out there. All I want is to show people the beauty I see when I take a photo. My heart has always gone towards photography and seeing the beauty in nature. It's one thing I've held on to in order to remind myself that even in the darkest moments there is still beauty in the world you just have to look through a different lens to find it sometimes, but then again sometimes it just gets to hard to remember why I started taking pictures in the first place. 
I've lost all control of myself and while all I ever wanted was to use my so called talent to show others the beauty in nature and to help people get through their hard times like I've always needed someone to help me through mine I've lost all hope that anything I do will ever help anyone. I feel like I am an absolute failure and I feel like nothing I do will ever help. Like I just don't know why I even try anymore. I just want to look in the mirror again and say "damn it's good to have you back, you made it, you survived!" but right now I feel like I'm just nothing, I feel like I have no hope left, no path anymore and I just feel lost. I feel like for the first time I have no road leading me anywhere. I feel like the path I was on has disappeared and now I am just standing in a forest surrounded by trees with no clue how to get back home. 
I wish I could have wrote a positive blog since I haven't written in a while, but right now this is my reality and I feel like if I'm not being real then I'm not being true to what I wanted for this blog. Maybe next time I write it will be a positive uplifting helpful blog, but right now this is all I have to give of myself and for that I am sorry. 

With Love ;
Brittany

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Support systems fail sometimes

 For anyone that struggles openly with mental illness one of the first things most therapists will talk to you about especially if you struggle with suicidal thoughts is a establishing a support system. I didn't know much about what kind of support system I needed until I was laying in a hospital bed where I had no choice but to tell the people around me that I had planned to take my life earlier that day and would have gone through with it if it weren't for a single text that snapped me out of the state I was in.  While in the hospital for my suicide attempt I learned a lot about support systems and how those people can help you through the bad days and will help save your life when you feel like you have no one left. In those moments I started to think about who I wanted as my support system. Who I could trust with literally my life and who would be willing to do whatever it took to keep me safe. I wanted to choose people who would learn about my diagnosis' and who would ...
Read more

A fathers unconditional love

 As a little girl you grow up with this idea that your father is your super hero and will always save you from the bad guys, but what happens when reality hits that your father is the bad guy. For 15 years I believed what every little girl believed. I believed my dad would always love me, never hurt me and would be the man to show me what I wanted to find in my future husband and future father of my children. I believed my dad was my ultimate bestfriend and super hero who would always be there to protect me from harm and fix my broken heart, but at 15 that reality was shattered to pieces when I got a real glimpse of who my father truly was. He wasn't the man I always thought he was. He ended up being the first man to break my heart and not just break it, he shattered it into a million little pieces that would never fit back together like it should no matter how many people tried.  Forgiveness isn't something that comes easily, but when you want someone's love so badly you p...
Read more

2020..is it over yet

 Just when you think life can't get any crazier and more complicated the world throws a wrench at your face and laughs. If there is anything that I have learned about life is that it never stays the same, at least in my world. You think that you have finally figured out all the things wrong with you and then the world just decides to add one more thing, because if having major depressive disorder, anxiety/panic disorder, Borderline personality disorder and PTSD, lets just add some Bipolar on top of all of it to make the cherry on top. I mean in a reality most of the things I have (anxiety, depression, BPD) they all mimic Bipolar disorder so it makes sense why I was diagnosed with those at first and no one really realized it was actually Bipolar disorder. Bipolar is so hard to diagnose and it takes someone truly listening and looking into your medical history to realize that's really what's happening. For some people that's all it is, it's just bipolar disorder and t...
Read more