Reunions
Living your life out loud is never easy. No matter what you do or what you say people will either stand beside you or stand against you. I have learned this since starting this blog and living my metal health journey out loud. I have seen people I thought would always stand by me walk away and I have gained new people to help me through my journey.
These last couple years have been some of the worst years of my life. I have been trying to put the pieces of my life back together and keep it together. It has been so hard. The last couple weeks have been a struggle with trying to figure out where my path in life is going. I feel lost. I feel alone and I feel completely broken. When I was growing up I had all these big plans for where I wanted my life to go and who I wanted to be, but now at 29 years old I have no clue where my life is headed or who I even am.
In high school I was unpopular, an outcast, judged everyday and bullied constantly. Towards my junior year I decided I had enough of being that weak stupid girl so I put on the biggest front of my life. I pretended not to care what rumors were going around about me, I pretended to be some heartless bitch who walked around tough as nails without a shit to give to anyone. I pretend to have it all together because I thought that would make me less of a target to the "mean girls" at school. I was told on a constant basis that I should kill myself because then I wouldn't be a waste of air anymore. I was constantly reminded how ugly they thought I was, how I looked like trash and how much of a whore I was even when I was still a virgin. I was reminded everyday just how much of a wasted space I was. There was one main girl who made my life more of a living hell then anyone ever has and probably ever will. She was the definition of the worst mean girl possible. This girl ruined my entire life on a daily basis and couldn't care less about the damage she did. Even as adults today she still ruins my life when I run into her because just the way she looks at me you can just tell she is still constantly judging me.
The reason this is all coming up right now is because I received a facebook notification that I was invited to my High school's 10 year reunion and as I looked over the guest list of course she was on it. Not only her but many of the other heartless girls that made me want to end my life on a daily basis are going to be there. I have been debating ever since whether I should go or not go. I even talked to one of my old friends from high school who used to be my best friend. I told her I wasn't sure about going because of the people that made my life hell back then and all she could say is that we are all adults now and while I understand her logic to me that's just bullshit. Her experience in high school was way different from mine and I hid my hurt and pain well so I don't think even my best friends knew just how bad it was back then and while yes it is true that we are all adults the hurt and pain they caused me back then still lives inside me today because that hurt and pain made me who I am right now. I wish so bad that people could just understand that just because we are adults now and living our own lives the pain that was caused by bullies stays with you and shapes who you are as a person. I want so bad to be able to walk into that reunion with my head held high and shove who I am now in their faces, but I just can't. I can't face them knowing my life feels like a black hole right now. I feel like even though it may not be true or who they are anymore my heart feels like they would feed off that and use it to hurt me all over again.
Over these last couple weeks thinking about whether to go or not go I have decided not going is the best option for my mental state. Even if they have changed and even if going would mean a night out with drinks and laughs I just can't afford to take chances like that. I can't afford to take the chance that it will go wrong and send me into a mental health crisis. My family can't afford for that to happen. I am spiraling into a hole as it is right now and can't afford to get pushed any deeper by people who have wounded me so much in the past. Decisions like this make me feel weak. Make me feel like all the progress I have made means absolutely nothing because I am not strong enough to go face the people who hurt me the most as a child/young adult. People talk about my strength and how strong I am for living my mental health journey out loud and surviving everyday, but right now I feel weak as ever because I can't find the strength to stand in a room with those people and put a smile on my face.
I ran into the girl who made my life a living hell today at a car show and while I tried to stay strong and I tried to pretend it wasn't bothering me I just couldn't. I felt like I couldn't breath, I felt like all the air went out of my chest the second I realized she was sitting in the truck that she was there with, I felt like I was being suffocated. All I wanted to do was turn around and leave because I felt like I was about to have a mental breakdown in front of my brother, husband, niece and all the car people around us. I felt like I was falling about. I felt weak. Feeling this way today just made my decision not to go to my reunion more clear. I could barely handle myself today let alone handle being in a room surrounded by not just one of my bullies, but a group of them. I feel like the weakest person in the world right now. I want so badly to stand tall and strong, but I can't I'm weak.
I feel like no matter how hard I try I just can't find the strength to heal and move on from the torment I suffered for all of those years. It controls me. I wish I could post something positive in here. I wish I could tell all those kids getting bullied right now that it will be okay in the end, but my bullies stay with me and I don't know how to get rid of that. I want to help kids and I want people to know you can live through it, but it's hard when I can't figure out how to heal and move on.
If you are being bullied reach out and tell someone. Ask for help and remember you always have the right to stand up for yourself and others around you getting bullied. Remember those bullies do not define who you are or who you will grow up to be. You are stronger than you believe and you are worth it no matter what those people say. You are not who they say you are, you are someone so much better than they make you feel and you will get through it in the end. It will be hard and it will break you down sometimes, but you are strong enough to get through it and you are worth more than how they make you feel. Always remember the bullies are never right about you and only you can define who you truly are as a person. Be the better you want to see in this world.
Always remember if you are struggling reach out for help. Tell someone your struggling. Let them in and let them help you and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS keep fighting because you are worth living for.
With Love ;
Brittany
In high school I was unpopular, an outcast, judged everyday and bullied constantly. Towards my junior year I decided I had enough of being that weak stupid girl so I put on the biggest front of my life. I pretended not to care what rumors were going around about me, I pretended to be some heartless bitch who walked around tough as nails without a shit to give to anyone. I pretend to have it all together because I thought that would make me less of a target to the "mean girls" at school. I was told on a constant basis that I should kill myself because then I wouldn't be a waste of air anymore. I was constantly reminded how ugly they thought I was, how I looked like trash and how much of a whore I was even when I was still a virgin. I was reminded everyday just how much of a wasted space I was. There was one main girl who made my life more of a living hell then anyone ever has and probably ever will. She was the definition of the worst mean girl possible. This girl ruined my entire life on a daily basis and couldn't care less about the damage she did. Even as adults today she still ruins my life when I run into her because just the way she looks at me you can just tell she is still constantly judging me.
The reason this is all coming up right now is because I received a facebook notification that I was invited to my High school's 10 year reunion and as I looked over the guest list of course she was on it. Not only her but many of the other heartless girls that made me want to end my life on a daily basis are going to be there. I have been debating ever since whether I should go or not go. I even talked to one of my old friends from high school who used to be my best friend. I told her I wasn't sure about going because of the people that made my life hell back then and all she could say is that we are all adults now and while I understand her logic to me that's just bullshit. Her experience in high school was way different from mine and I hid my hurt and pain well so I don't think even my best friends knew just how bad it was back then and while yes it is true that we are all adults the hurt and pain they caused me back then still lives inside me today because that hurt and pain made me who I am right now. I wish so bad that people could just understand that just because we are adults now and living our own lives the pain that was caused by bullies stays with you and shapes who you are as a person. I want so bad to be able to walk into that reunion with my head held high and shove who I am now in their faces, but I just can't. I can't face them knowing my life feels like a black hole right now. I feel like even though it may not be true or who they are anymore my heart feels like they would feed off that and use it to hurt me all over again.
Over these last couple weeks thinking about whether to go or not go I have decided not going is the best option for my mental state. Even if they have changed and even if going would mean a night out with drinks and laughs I just can't afford to take chances like that. I can't afford to take the chance that it will go wrong and send me into a mental health crisis. My family can't afford for that to happen. I am spiraling into a hole as it is right now and can't afford to get pushed any deeper by people who have wounded me so much in the past. Decisions like this make me feel weak. Make me feel like all the progress I have made means absolutely nothing because I am not strong enough to go face the people who hurt me the most as a child/young adult. People talk about my strength and how strong I am for living my mental health journey out loud and surviving everyday, but right now I feel weak as ever because I can't find the strength to stand in a room with those people and put a smile on my face.
I ran into the girl who made my life a living hell today at a car show and while I tried to stay strong and I tried to pretend it wasn't bothering me I just couldn't. I felt like I couldn't breath, I felt like all the air went out of my chest the second I realized she was sitting in the truck that she was there with, I felt like I was being suffocated. All I wanted to do was turn around and leave because I felt like I was about to have a mental breakdown in front of my brother, husband, niece and all the car people around us. I felt like I was falling about. I felt weak. Feeling this way today just made my decision not to go to my reunion more clear. I could barely handle myself today let alone handle being in a room surrounded by not just one of my bullies, but a group of them. I feel like the weakest person in the world right now. I want so badly to stand tall and strong, but I can't I'm weak.
I feel like no matter how hard I try I just can't find the strength to heal and move on from the torment I suffered for all of those years. It controls me. I wish I could post something positive in here. I wish I could tell all those kids getting bullied right now that it will be okay in the end, but my bullies stay with me and I don't know how to get rid of that. I want to help kids and I want people to know you can live through it, but it's hard when I can't figure out how to heal and move on.
If you are being bullied reach out and tell someone. Ask for help and remember you always have the right to stand up for yourself and others around you getting bullied. Remember those bullies do not define who you are or who you will grow up to be. You are stronger than you believe and you are worth it no matter what those people say. You are not who they say you are, you are someone so much better than they make you feel and you will get through it in the end. It will be hard and it will break you down sometimes, but you are strong enough to get through it and you are worth more than how they make you feel. Always remember the bullies are never right about you and only you can define who you truly are as a person. Be the better you want to see in this world.
Always remember if you are struggling reach out for help. Tell someone your struggling. Let them in and let them help you and ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS keep fighting because you are worth living for.
With Love ;
Brittany
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