A pictures worth a thousand words ;

Every picture I take has meaning. I take lots of pictures because remembering the moments I am most happy in is something I need to do for myself to stay alive. I also take pictures because looking at the picture I've taken when I am having a mentally off day just reminds me there is beauty in this world that I don't see on the days my brain is all foggy. On my facebook page I started a new picture series that shows an inside look into the world of someone who struggles with mental illness and our realities. I'm going to post the pictures I have taken so far on here. Because a picture really is worth a thousand words. 

This is the first photo in a series I'm going to be doing to raise awareness for mental illness.. these pictures will be a glimpse of my world and will hopefully shed some light on what my struggles inside my head look like. For the first photo though I've decided to show the meds that keep me together enough to even live my life and also the ones that help keep the flash backs/nightmares away enough at night for me to sleep.. this is the reality of my life...

Welcome to my world of chaos

What you see.. how I really feel

This picture represents the fact that my world is always a little put of focus.. it's hard for me to focus on the good because the demons in my brain cloud all of my thinking so I never truly think clearly..

This picture shows the reality of my life as well.. metal illness makes me feel like I am falling to pieces everytime I turn around.. no matter what I do I never feel like a complete person I always feel like a piece of me is going to fall apart..

This picture shows the reality of how I feel on a daily basis.. I always feel like I am more than one person.. I'm the loving caring person one minute, then in a second I become the sad person who has no idea who she even is and is so disappointed in who I am myself and then in another second I turn into the worst part of me the angry hates the world and hates who her BPD and PTSD make her and just wants all her pain to end.. this picture shows that in any moment I can become anyone of those people and unfortunately the reality is I cant control when those moods change as much as I try to control it I just cant...

This picture isn't dark or I look inside my brain, but it does show a huge part of my reality. This picture shows a weekly occurrence I'm my life. Without therapy and for me specifically horse therapy I wouldnt be surviving the way I do every day. 

I've had people say to me what does therapy really do for you since you seem to still be struggling and are still suicidal. To be honest therapy has saved my life more times than I can even count. Yes it's true I was in therapy every week before my suicide attempt and yes it's true that even when going to therapy I attempted to take my own life and was self harming on a regular basis, but in no way shape or form was my therapy not working for me even in those times. I still went to therapy every week to try to save myself and my therapist was one of the main reasons I didnt attempt to take my life sooner. The day of my suicide attempt was a day I went to therapy but my mental break happened before my scheduled therapy session and I couldnt grasp reality enough to know in that moment that I would be okay because I'd be going to therapy to help me in a few hours. In that moment my break down took over my whole world, I blacked out on my bathroom floor and all that mattered in that moment was what my brain was constantly telling me to do. 

That day all the therapy I had done went out the window because my brain took over. When a text came to my phone it snapped me out of my horrible state of mind and reminded me I needed to go to therapy that day. I was saved by my mother who texted me to ask me if she could take me to my therapy. When I got to therapy my therapist knew I was lying about not having a solid plan to take my own life and together we both decided it would be best for me to go admit myself into the hospital to get evaluated. Once again therapy saved my life. Without going to therapy I wouldnt have found someone I trusted enough to tell my suicide plan to. Without therapy I wouldnt have been saved that day.

Therapy is my reality. I will always need extra help to be able to stay alive and I owe alot to my therapist. So this picture isn't one that shows the darkness of my mental illness, but it is one that shows you a glimpse into a weekly routine that I have to take in order to keep myself alive.

This is going to be a super long post so#sorrynotsorry 

When you live with severe depression and suicidal ideation everyday house hold or work items can become weapons of destruction to you and your life.. ******

disclaimer before you continue reading please know this post talks about self harming. This can be triggering for those who are struggling mentally right now so if that is you please consider not reading this post until you are in a better mental state or are completely sure you will be okay reading this. If you are struggling please reach out to your support team or call or text the suicide hotline.

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Not everyone who is depressed or suicidal self harms, but a big portion of people who mentally struggle do choose to self harm to help deal with their pain. It is something that I am not as open about as my other struggles which honestly is hard to believe since I've literally been an open book when it comes to talking about my suicide attempt, but in a way opening up about hurting yourself is very hard because people look at you in a whole different light. If you do not struggle you do not understand what goes through someone's head and what kind of mindset they have to be in in order to take a razor blade to their skin. While just looking at me you would never know that I self harm its true that I have and still struggle with it today. Sometimes you can see the cuts on people and know those are from self harming while others hide them well enough for noone to know they even have them. 

Have I cut my wrist before Yes I have. Can you tell No you cant one because I have tattoos on my wrist that cover the scars and two I didnt self harm much on my wrist because I didnt want people to see it I wasnt doing it for people to see it I was doing it to take the pain away and I didnt want people to know it was happening. My scars are on parts of my body nobody ever really sees and that's the way it will always stay. 

Self harming is like a drug you cant stay away from. It's an addiction that no matter how long you have been sober from it one tiny little thing can happen and boom you relapse. For me I went 10 years self harm free before ultimately relapsing in 2017 a couple weeks before my suicide attempt. It isn't something I'm proud of or want anyone who follows my journey to do, but I feel it's something I need to be honest and open about so others see that there are better ways to survive then taking pain out on yourself.

The reason for these pictures is because it's a glimpse into my world. Every where I turn at home and at work there are objects I've used to harm self with before and when I come into contact with those objects my brain goes crazy. My brain will run through every way in the world I could hurt myself with them and for me I have to fight not to use these objects in a harming way. At work I literally avoid box cutters at all costs. I will tear a box down with my manager key or bare hands before laying a finger on that cutter because once it's in my hand my brain will try to get me to do things I dont want to do with it. The razor is just another object I cant get away from. I'm a girl I have to shave parts of my body so I can wear tank tops in summer and bathing suits down the river, but in my world I have to be careful about when I do that because if my mental state isn't in a good place picking up that razor to shave my legs could result in me relapsing and self harming to take that pain away. 

I have to live with my scars everyday. Others may not know they are there but everytime I change my clothes, take a bath, try on shorts I am reminded of the pain I inflicted on myself to help me get through the pain of my mental struggles. For those reading this who are struggling please reach out for help. If you dont have any already the scars from self harming arent ones you need on your body as a reminder that you hate yourself. They arent a reminder I would ever want to have and constantly wish I could remove from me. Please reach out for help instead of harming yourself, remind yourself when you feel like doing that, that the scars it leaves arent worth it and that there are much better ways to get rid of your pain than taking it out on yourself. Go for a walk, go workout, go sit at a bench by the beach and take in the sunset or sunrise, call your bestfriend, mom, significant other and just try to remember no matter what your brain is saying to you, you are so loved and so worth fighting for! Your a warrior dont let these objects and what your brain wants to do with them define who you are and dont let them tell you your weak because you are anything but weak. You are a Warrior and a Fighter! You are worth living for so keep fighting no matter what ;

My world is never easy, but some days are much harder than others to continue living. Theses pictures show my reality in an everyday task that most people think nothing of. The shower is one of the only places that I can release all the pain and hurt I feel. It is also a very dangerous place for me because there in that space I am completely alone with my demons. I took these pictures because I wanted to show my reality in a simple task like taking a shower. Sometimes I lose myself completely in the bathroom because I am all alone and I feel every bit of that. Taking a shower is so simple most days, but when your struggling with your inner demons even taking a shower is a huge task. It takes a lot of energy to get out of your clothes, get in the shower, wash your hair, dry yourself off and get dressed again. Yesterdays shower brought theses exact emotions that are captured in these pictures. I got out of the shower and dropped to the floor because not only was my body just physically exhausted from working so much, but my mind of completely exhausted as well from fighting my demons and pretending to be more okay than I actually am. I was so sick of putting on a fake smile that I decided to show everyone how I am really feeling. No smile, no happy feelings, just this.. this black and white numb over it mood. This is what I feel like all the time, but only let it show in these moments where I am completely alone.
This right here is my breaking point and I'm completely falling apart one piece at a time. These pictures show my weakness and my struggle all in one. I'm falling apart and I don't know how to put myself back together again
If you or someone you know is struggling please reach out for help. Reach out to friends and family or the suicide hot line at 1-800-273-8255 or text HOME to 741741 to talk to someone that can help you through your struggles. Always remember to keep fighting because your worth living for ;