Favorite Person

A common thing for a person with BPD (borderline personality disorder) is that there is normally one specific person in their life who is as the psychiatrist calls it their FP (favorite person). I never really understood why anyone would have an FP because in my world the people I would have chosen to be my FP always left me heinze why abandonment is one of my biggest issues with my BPD. The people I've loved the most have abandoned me and left me which is why I dont have many friends and why I keep to myself alot. I got sick of getting close to people for them to turn around and leave me behind. I am very conscious when it comes to talking to new people and very careful with who I let get close to me anymore because I am so sick of people leaving me behind in life. I know I'm hard to be around sometimes, but I promise if you stick around I am worth having in your life and I can tell you once you hurt me to the point where I feel like you've abandoned me in anyway that is it you have just burned your bridge with me. Abandonment is a hurt you cant just let go of and it's my biggest fear and heartbreak with my BPD.

This picture doesnt show faces or some lovey dovey crap. All it shows is two hands intertwined together, but what you may not see that I do is that this picture shows my heart. It shows my FP. It shows the one person I wholeheartedly trust hands down to never abandon me. It shows that even though I struggle with trust issues and abandonment issues I am still worth loving and I am still worth fighting for. This picture shows 10 years of love that has been broken and put back together stronger than ever. It shows the one person who helps hold me together when my world falls apart. His hand has held mine in the worst moments of my life. It held my hand through the loss of our first baby, it held mine and I held his on the day we said I Do and vowed to love eachother till the end of the world, it held mine through the birth of our rainbow baby girl (Hayden) and our sweet baby boy (Keith), it held my hand through the loss of both my grandpas who we lost within a matter of months from eachother, it held my hand through my health issues after the birth of our children, it held my hand as well as I held his through the loss of his father, he held this hand in a moment that changed our world forever sitting by my side while I sat in a hospital bed having to tell him I attempted to end my own life while he was at work, he held my hand while I cried as they took me to the ambulance to bring me to my first psych Ward stay, it held my hand as I cried when I got admitted to my second psych ward stay in February this year, and he continues to hold my hand every day of my life from moments like this where I'm happy and smiling and enjoying my life to a picture not shown where I was crying trying to keep myself alive. This man is my FP and always will be. I will always choose him as long as he chooses me. 

For anyone struggling I know it's hard. I know it hurts and I know you probably feel completely alone, but your not. You are never alone. I never thought in a million years I would ever trust someone enough for me to ever have a FP, but I found it and you can too. Look at who's always there and never leaves. Look at who's there for you on the absolute darkest days of your life because if they can handle those moments and stay by your side then they will always stay by your side. Find your person and give them all the love you possibly can muster on your good days that way on your bad they will love you enough for the both of you. You are worth loving and living for so always keep fighting ;