Heartache

How do you feel every morning when you wake up? Do you wake up with a smile on your face ready to take on the day or do you wake up wishing you hadn't. I can't even explain how many times I wake up wondering why in the hell I am still on this earth. Like who in this world thinks it's a good idea for me to still be breathing and living this life everyday because in all honesty I'm over this being my life. People always say you were given this life because your strong enough to live through it, but in all seriousness I am flipping over it! I'm over trying to be strong, I'm over people telling me that, I'm over pretending that I am not falling apart at the seams and I'm over this life. I just want to be happy, but that's just to much to ask for in my world. It's like no matter what I do or how hard I try this will always be my life. No matter how hard I work something will always knock me when I'm already down. 

I titled this heartache because I don't know how else to describe how I feel right now. I feel like my heart is broken and I just don't know how to put it back together again. I found an amazing job that I actually love and am good at. I found a boss who is so understanding and loving when it comes to my mental health and yet I feel like I need to walk away from it all. My insurance through the state got shut off unexpectedly and they are refusing to cover me which for me feels deadly and in reality is deadly. Without insurance I can't get my daily meds, I can't see my psychiatrist to get new meds when mine stop working like they have, I can't go to therapy each week and worst is I can't get in patient care if I needed to because the world knows I can't afford a $10,000 or more bill for a hospital stay. I thought working part time instead of full time was what was best for me and in part I was right. I found an amazing job that I truly love and yet the world throws this wrench at me like oh now you have a part time job so even though you barely make enough money to pay your bills every 2 weeks when you get paid you can't get our insurance anymore. Like wow thanks for your damn help and then they wonder why so many people with mental health issues end up losing their lives to themselves because you refuse to loosen your stupid reigns and actually help people who need it! Ugh this world just sucks sometimes and I feel like there's nothing worth fighting for anymore. 

When I started this blog all I wanted was to show my fight, show my strength and show that we can get through these hard times, but man have the last couple of weeks showed me that I just can't do that. I can't be strong when I'm dying inside, I can't be positive when I feel like my world is falling apart around me and there's nothing I can do to save myself anymore. The things that were saving my life are no longer accessible to me until I somehow figure out how to get insurance and I feel like this is a deadly combination for me. I am fighting a war inside me that I am not sure I am going to win and yet here I am writing this all down on here for god knows who because we all know that no one truly cares enough to actually read the shit I write anyway. 

The only other thing I feel I do need to say right now is that if you are struggling and feel like you are losing this war I am so sorry that you have to go through this war inside of you. I truly wholeheartedly know what you are feeling and it's something I'd never wish for anyone to have to deal with. Please know you are not alone in this feeling or this fight. Even though it feels like your not worth the fight you are I promise you that. I know it's hard to get out of bed everyday and I know it's hard to walk around this world pretending to be okay, but you are strong enough to survive it. You just have to keep fighting until your last breath. Keep telling yourself that people would be lost without you, that people who fall apart if you were no longer here and remind yourself that you've come this far and fought this hard you can't give up now and promise yourself every morning when you get out of your bed that you will no ever die by your own hands no matter how much heartache your feeling. Remind yourself that you have fought to get where you are today and keep reminding yourself that you have so much left to live for. Keep fighting everyday because no matter what you feel you are Worth living for;

With Love;

Brittany