Scars that never heal

2 years can feel like yesterday and forever ago depending on the moment and the person. The month of October is not only my absolute favorite month, but the worst month of my life. 2 years ago on October 26th I had the worst mental breakdown of my life. I broke down and decided that October 26 2017 would be the last day I would be alive. I decided that on October 26th I would take my last breath, I would never see my kids again, never kiss them or feel the warmth of their hugs. I would never get to tell them just how much I truly loved them and how much they mean to me. I would never get to kiss my husband and tell him how sorry I am for all the stupid arguments I caused and how sorry I am for all the pain I have caused over the years we have been together due to my abandonment issues. I would never get to hug him and tell him how amazingly proud I am of the man and father he has become. I would never get to look him in his beautiful blue eyes that he passed on to our beautiful children and tell him wholeheartedly how much I truly loved him. On that day it would all be over. I would end my life and it felt like there was no other way out.

That day has and probably always will be one of the hardest days to get through, but to be completely honest these weeks leading up to that day are a struggle too. The memories of what lead me to make that decision are front and center in my brain. My nightmares are more like a scary reality so much so that I wake up not being able to tell if I am living my reality or still living my nightmare. It's horrible. The flashbacks are one of the worst parts. My brain replays the memories of that day over and over again and sometimes the end is not what really happened, sometimes my brain plays images in my head of what could have been and that is just as heartbreaking. 

The reason I decided to share this blog now instead of waiting until the night of the 26th like I did last year is because there are somethings that need to be said to those in my support circle and also things that I think anyone reading this needs to hear about those who struggle with PTSD. Let me start by saying PTSD is not something only veterans struggle from. Anyone who has gone through something traumatic can suffer from PTSD and surviving a suicide attempt is definitely cause for PTSD which is how I became a sufferer from it. Secondly I'd just like to say that making someone feel like their feelings about their struggles are not valid are never okay. Would you ever tell a veteran that they should get over their PTSD because they have been out of the war for how ever long now or a cancer survivor who suffers with learning to live again after the cancer was supposed to take their life that they should be over it because they are in remission now, let me tell you, you wouldn't. You would never say something like that to those people because their struggles are real and they can't just move on from what they saw or did over seas and a cancer survivor can't just forget the months and years their life was hanging by a thread wondering if they would survive it. So tell me why do people treat me like I should be over the feelings and emotions that come with the day I was going to take my own life. Why am I not allowed to feel the feelings I do the weeks and days before the 26th. Why am I not allowed to be upset and testy in this time. The answer is I am allowed to feel those things and yet people in my world, in my support team make me feel like my feelings about this day are not okay and that is just not okay anymore.

The weeks and days leading up to the anniversary of my suicide attempt are some of the absolute hardest days of my life. Last year was so hard for me to get through, but this year it is so much worse because people in my support group are making me feel like my feelings aren't valid anymore because it's been 2 years and they make me feel like I should just be over it already. A week or so ago I went out to lunch with a support person and we were talking about how I needed to make sure I do whatever possible to keep going to therapy so I don't end up back in the hospital and instead of being encouraging this person looks at me and says ya we don't need that happening. At that time I just said no we don't because I was so hurt and taken back that I just didn't know what else to say. It made me feel like going to the hospital to save my life was not okay and was wrong in some way. I have always saw my choice to go get help when I needed the extra support that I couldn't get outside the hospital as a strength and as the right choice, but this comment made me feel like I was wrong for choosing to go to the hospital more than once and that even though choosing to not go to the hospital could mean the end of my life this comment made me feel like choosing to end my life if it ever got bad again is what would happen because going and asking for extra help and getting admitted into the psych ward again would be wrong and a disappointment

Over the last couple of weeks I have brought up how hard the 26th is for me to the people around me in my support group and lately I just feel like it hasn't mattered to anyone. People around me have made me feel like I should move on and forget what happened and get over it. I get ignored when talking about my feelings about it or I start talking about it and the person I'm talking to just starts talking over me about something else like what I was saying doesn't even matter. I'm over it and hurting. I feel like I have no one to turn to anymore and I am just lost. I just want the people in my world to understand that my feelings are real and my struggles around this day and on that day are real. If I'm asking you to spend time with my on that day it's not just because I want to hangout, it's because I need certain people around me on that day to help me get through it, I need to go do things that I love on that day to twist my mind in a happy direction instead of letting my brain fall into the pattern it was in on that day 2 years ago because to be honest that's where my mind goes. It goes right to thinking well you were going to take your own life that day before and your not in any better shape now so why not just end your life once and for all today, you weren't supposed to live passed October 26th 2017 so since you're not in a better spot you min-as-well not live past October 26th this year. 

The reality of my world is that some scars will never heal. The physical scars I have will never go away, they are constant reminders of the pain and hurt I've felt. The emotional scars while invisible to everyone, but me are always there, some days way more than others. Scars like these will never heal. My scars will always be apart of me and apart of my story and I am proud of them because they have made me the person I am today. My scars may never go away, but I will still survive. 

All I ask in theses next couple weeks is to just be patient with me. Be understanding and if I open up to you about my struggles please just listen, just let me talk it through, let me know you are here for me and really truly be there for me. Love me for who I am and all my scars not who you wish I would be or who you want me to be. 

If you are struggling please know you are not alone. No matter what you are struggling with just know that you are strong enough to get through it. You are strong enough to survive and make it past your worst days. Embrace your scars and know in your heart that your scars are part of your story. They are unique to you and show your strength. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for and if everyone else makes you feel the way I do right now just know I am here fighting not only for myself, but I am also here fighting for you as well. Your scar are your beauty so embrace it. You are beautiful/handsome and strong no matter how people make you feel. You are a bad ass for even getting up and out of bed in the morning. You're a warrior and never give up because you are so worth living for;

With Love,

Brittany