Finding myself only to lose myself again

I've been sitting on this blog for a while now. Like literally months trying to figure out what I was going to write, what I was going to say and what I was truly feeling, but until now I just haven't had the right words to describe it. I've tried to write this 3 or 4 different times with different titles and nothing every felt right. I'm not even sure this feels right, but I felt like it was something I just needed to get of my chest and say so here it goes.

The hardest part of living with BPD (borderline personality disorder) is the constant feelings of losing who you are. I hid who I was from the world for so long growing up because I didn't want those around me to know how messed up my head really was and I also knew that the views I had were completely different from the people around me and I was afraid that if they knew what I believed in and who I truly was they would leave me so I hid myself from them. 

Over the last couple of years I thought I found who I was. After being hospitalized for my suicide attempt in October 2017 I thought sharing my story and living my life out loud would help people understand who I truly am and who I have always been. I thought for sure it would help me show my true self to people and I would finally be able to live my best life as me and for awhile that was reality. I was living my life out loud telling people my story, sharing my life in this blog. on my facebook and showing everyone the struggles I go through everyday and it was good or so I thought. 

The thing about BPD that people don't see and I feel like isn't talked about enough is the constant feelings of not knowing who you are. I thought after my suicide attempt I could restart and be the true person I've always wanted to be and be the person people tell me they see, the strong badass chick who survived her darkest moment in life, but the reality of my life is that, that is never going to happen because I will never know who I truly am. 

I never realized how bad the reality of finding myself and then losing myself could be until this year. I feel like I've lost every part of who I thought I truly was. Photography has always been an outlet for me. It's something I turn to when I need to remind myself there is still beauty in this world worth living to see. I have used it to save my life on countless occasions and to keep me from self harming. It was one of the best outlets I could ever have and yet this year I decided I was giving it up. I said I was going to sell my camera and all my equipment because to me that just wasn't who I was anymore and it didn't matter. It was a decision I made one day and then a week later I changed my mind. Welcome to my world.

The list of things I've given up this year grows more and more everyday. I stopped seeking places to go take photos because I just didn't think it was apart of who I was anymore and I wasn't good enough to be the photographer I wanted to be, but on top of all of that I also quit Crossfit. 

Crossfit became a huge part of my life before I had my huge breakdown and was there to pick me back up when I got out of the hospital, but lately I just can't get myself to go. I feel like it's not me anymore. I feel like I am no longer good enough to be there with all those amazing people. I feel like I no longer belong anywhere in my life. I've thought about quitting my job and just leaving Michigan. I don't know where I'd go or what I'd do when I get there, but leaving just seemed like the right option. Leaving this way felt like a better decision than taking my own life because I'd still be alive and I could still contact people if I wanted or needed to, but I wouldn't be an active part of anyone's lives not even my own kids. I feel like continuously finding who I think I am and then losing all sense of that is hurting everyone around me. I don't want anyone getting close to me because I just can't be who they all want me to be or expect me to be.

Losing myself is never easy. I can be in a good place for awhile and think this is finally it this is who I am and I'm okay with that and then all of a sudden like a flip of a switch I can look at myself in the mirror and realize I have no clue who the person is staring back at me. It's devastating every time it happens. I don't know who to be or what to do anymore. The constant battle of finding who I think I wan to be and then losing that person is heartbreaking. I constantly have to fight for who I want to be and then when I think I'm finally in a good spot my mind flips they switch and I lose all sense of that person. It's like losing someone you love over and over again. The pain is gut wrenching. 

I'm hoping that forcing myself to write this and taking photos almost everyday will kick start my heart again and give me a sense of who I am again. I'm hoping that eventually my heart will beat my mind and I can finally feel like me again, but I know right now this is my reality and I have to learn to be okay with this and know eventually I will make it through this and I will continue to survive because I know one part of me that will never fade and that's the fighter part.

If you feel like you are constantly losing who you are please know you are not alone. We are fighting this war together and we will survive because we are warriors and are worth living for ;

With Love,

Brittany