The year from hell

 I feel like I haven't written a blog in forever and I don't really know where to start. I've been avoiding writing putting my words out there because I know they aren't easy words to read, but they also are words that really need to be said.

This year has been all things wrong with the world. It's literally like the world has gone to hell and can't find it's way out. I've been trying to figure who I am since the last time I wrote on here, but I feel like I'm more lost now then I have ever been. The last couple years have been hard. I've been struggling so bad, but whats even worse is I have never been so low as I am right now except one time. One time have I ever gotten this low of a feeling in life and on that day I almost took my life. It's a scary place to be. To look in the mirror and wonder how long I will be able to keep holding on. To realize that I am falling apart at the seams and I have run out of ways to keep myself alive. I never wanted to put these words out there because it makes me feel like a failure. It makes me feel like all the hard work I've done over the years through therapy is all for nothing. I feel more worthless now then I ever have. I can't get myself to enjoy anything anymore which sucks because for a while the things I loved like Crossfit and Photography and not to mention my job were the only things holding me together. I have thought so many times about what life would be like without me in it and if it would truly impact anyone in a way they wouldn't be able to handle. In the last couple of weeks the thoughts I have had have been terrifying and real. I have considered what life would be like if I just up and quit my job because I just couldn't handle the treatment I am getting from customers and others.

It's been a long couple of weeks trying to figure out where I belong and where I need to be. I feel like my time is coming to an end and I know some big decisions are going to need to be made I just don't know how to voice that. I feel like I have completely lost who I am and what I keep fighting for. I completely lost my will to keep fighting and to stay alive. I feel like I'm drowning in water and no matter how hard I try I can't stay afloat anymore. I just can't find the will to keep fighting. I feel like if I left this world no one would feel it. They would be sad for a while, but in the end they would move on and I would just be the girl who couldn't fight anymore. The bullied, abandoned, worthless girl who left this cold world because she wasn't strong enough to survive it anymore. Depression, Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and Bipolar Disorder are killers on their own but when you mix them all together it's literally like the perfect storm of mental craziness. It's like you hangout in the eye of the storm for a while and then all of a sudden the storm hits like a ton of fucking bricks and it blows you down like a tree in the wind and when you finally crash to the ground your broken and the only way to fix it is to take it away. My mind feels like I'm in the fog of the storm just waiting for the lightning to strike and knock me down so hard that I won't be able to get back up. I feel like the fall is coming fast and I just don't know how to stop it or how I'll get back up if I fall again. This time it's so much harder to keep fighting than it even was the last time I fell hard and ended up in Pine Rest which is scary because I thought I was gonna die that day and yet here I am feeling the same way, but worse and I just don't know how I will survive that type of fall again. I don't feel strong enough to survive this again. 

I always try to leave my blogs on a positive note, one that will help someone else, but I just don't know how to keep doing that when I feel like I'm failing already. Am I really helping people or am I just talking to myself like I have always felt like I was doing. Never feeling good enough for someone to listen and never worth anything enough for someone to see the potential. I guess if I could say anything to someone struggling right now it would be to never give up until you just can't fight anymore. Find the fight within yourself and know you are worth the fight even when you don't feel like it. Prove those bullies and the people who doubt you and talk behind your back wrong. Show them who you are and show them how strong you can be even when they beat you down. Show them what a real fighter looks like and if they don't support you walk away and know you did your best and they didn't deserve you in their life anyway! Show them what real strength looks like. Strong is the new beautiful. Always keep fighting no matter how they make you feel because your worth fighting for ;

With love:

Britt