To my bullies and all bullies out there - this ones for you!

 

I have been thinking about writing this blog for a while, but wasn't sure where to start. 

I added the pictures above to show me. Me as a mom, me as a wife and simply just me. I am choosing to show these pictures because this blog is going to be written for my school bullies & mean girls. 

   I have been seeing so many videos and posts about kids being bullied for how they look, how they talk, how much money they have or don't have and whether or not they have a lot of friends or are a loner. This subject is such a huge part of my life because I have been bullied through out my entire life. 

I was never pretty enough to be part of the in crowd. I never had enough money to buy the best clothes because my parents worked hard for the money they had and when they split me and my brother had to work hard to get money for things we needed so we could help out. I was never considered one of the girls every guy in the school wanted to be with and if a popular boy was talking to me it was most of the time a joke that his friends set up so they could make fun of me later. 

My school life was anything but easy up until part way through my sophomore year. During that year of my life I became cold hearted and frankly mean. I became what people would call the Queen Bitch because that's what I was. I stopped caring about what the mean girls were saying about me and became the girl who hated everyone and walked around like nothing could touch me. I walked around with an attitude that made me seem hard and not worth messing with. I became the person people didn't wanna be around except the few friends I had at the time who loved that side of me. I protected myself by being a bigger bitch than the worst mean girl of them all. I became the cold hearted black soul that I still am today. They made me a monster that no one was able to control. They pushed me to the point of believing I'd never be good enough for someone to love and made it hard for my relationships to last because I always believed they were all just jokes.

With all that being said I have seen so many kids and even adults being bullied over social media because they post a video just being themselves and someone thinks it's stupid or weird. People I've watched on tiktok have ended up taking their own lives because of these bullies and yet people continue to do it so I thought I'd write a blog because these mean cruel people need to know their actions have consequences and sometimes those consequences lead to someone ending their life. 

My bullies told me numerous times how worthless I was and how I would never amount to anything in life. They told me I was a waste of space and should end my life so they would never have to look or deal with me again. They called me a whore, a slut, a bitch (didn't mind that one lol) and a worthless human being with no purpose in this world. They made me feel like living was the worst thing in the world and were the first people who made me contemplate taking my own life. They treated me like trash and made me feel unloved. The drove me to self harm and pray every night that I wouldn't wake up the next morning to have to endure them again at school. 

Up until part way through my sophomore year I believed them. I contemplated suicide so many times that it was a constant thought in my mind. Until one day one of the football boys decided to be friends with me in our gym class and told me how horrible those girls were for making me feel that way. It took me forever to believe he wasn't playing me, but eventually I let him in and he became one of the most amazing guy friends I would have until he graduated . I started to realize those girls were just horrible human beings who didn't deserve the satisfaction they got from seeing me hurt. I turned into the cold heartless person people now know and some love. I became Brittany again instead of the worthless waste of space I had always been know for. I became the real true me. I started to realize I deserved better than how those girls made me feel. I started to see my worth and started to realize I was beautiful in my own way. Once I graduated I lost that person. I resorted back to the old me who let peoples opinions control who she was and how she acted. I became the person I never wanted to be again. The person I promised my broken self back then I would never become and yet there I was doing whatever anyone asked me to just so they wouldn't leave me and make me feel unloved. I become the worst version of myself.

After my suicide attempt in October 2017 I realized I couldn't be that person anymore. If I was going to choose life then I needed to be my true self otherwise I would end up back in that same dark hole and this time I wouldn't come out alive. I realized I needed people in my life who supported my black soul, Halloween loving, murder show watching, everything dark and crazy self. I needed people who wanted me in their life because I brought something to their world no one else did. I made the decision that if I was going to choose life then I was going to choose myself above all else (except my kids of course). I was finally going to be who ever the hell I wanted to be whether people liked it or not and if they decided I was too much for them then I would gladly show them my middle finger and the door out of my life. My time in the hospital showed me that I deserved people in my life who would love me for whoever I wanted to be and not who they expected and wanted me to be. I deserved to be happy with myself even if that meant losing people I loved. 

The main point for this blog was that even though I know none of my bullies will ever see this I wanted them to know I made it. I became something you always told me I'd never be. I became a wife to a man I have loved since I was 15. I became his other half and have gotten through almost 13 years of being together and not one day regretting the crazy roller coast life we have been through because even at the lowest times we came out stronger together. People may have doubted us and not wanted us to be together, but their opinions never mattered any way and we pushed past all that to build this life we have together. I became a mother to 3 babies. One who Heaven needed more than we needed him on earth and two who I get the privilege of loving on every single day for the rest of my life. I may not be the best mother every single day, but my kids will never go to bed thinking I don't love them because I tell them every night how much I love them even when they make me mad. I tell my son every night that I love him 3000 and he tells me he loves me 3000 times a million. I tell my daughter that I love her to the moon and back and I constantly remind her of how amazing and beautiful she is because she deserves to hear that every day! On top of all those amazing things you always told me I'd never be worthy of  I found ME. I became the person I have always wanted to be. Do I struggle with who I am still? Yes I do, but in the end when I fall and feel like I have lost who I am I have people around me who remind me. I have people around me who tell me how worthy I am and how much I'm needed on this earth. I found a job I absolutely adore and found my inspiration for photography again. I made something of myself despite what you did to me. I still struggle from time to time with the damage you caused, but in the end I realized my life was worth fighting for despite your cruel words. I added the picture above to show you that I am okay. I may not be everyday, but for the most part I am good. I am happy and I am LOVED! I am everything I wanted to be despite how you treated me. 

Lastly I want to say if you are being bullied speak up. Use your voice and find that strength inside of you to stand up for YOU because you are worth it. Their words may hurt and the damage they cause will last a life time, but once you realize your not the words they are saying the easier it will be to move forward. Karma is a bitch and they will get theirs some day. Know that you are not who they say you are. You are more amazing than they make you feel. You are good enough, pretty enough and worth breathing another day. I know it's hard but never give up the fight inside you because you will grow and eventually you will become the person you have always dreamed of being despite their nasty words. Always remember you are worth the fight even though they make you feel powerless. Keep fighting because you are worth it.

With Love,

Britt