2020..is it over yet

 Just when you think life can't get any crazier and more complicated the world throws a wrench at your face and laughs.

If there is anything that I have learned about life is that it never stays the same, at least in my world. You think that you have finally figured out all the things wrong with you and then the world just decides to add one more thing, because if having major depressive disorder, anxiety/panic disorder, Borderline personality disorder and PTSD, lets just add some Bipolar on top of all of it to make the cherry on top. I mean in a reality most of the things I have (anxiety, depression, BPD) they all mimic Bipolar disorder so it makes sense why I was diagnosed with those at first and no one really realized it was actually Bipolar disorder. Bipolar is so hard to diagnose and it takes someone truly listening and looking into your medical history to realize that's really what's happening. For some people that's all it is, it's just bipolar disorder and they can manage it, but for some of us it truly is a mixture of all of those things with extra issues that bipolar disorder causes. It's literally the perfect storm of chaos. 

Finding out you have something new is never easy, but what's even harder is hearing people in your support group tell you they thought that could be what you have because of how you have acted. Honestly no one wants to hear stuff like that. Like why don't you tell me one more time how fucked up you really think I am. Like my own thoughts about who I am and my mental issues isn't enough let's just hear your input about how truly messed up my mind is. I get it though, I really do. I get that my moods are crazy and I get that I can go from being the nicest person in the world to a real bitch in a matter of .1 seconds, but honestly I don't try to be that way. Sometimes I just don't know how to control it or realize that's how it's coming out until I realize how bitchy it sounded. Sometimes I wish I could change who I am, but we all know I can't change that part of me, none of us can change that about ourselves because we don't control or mental illness, most times it controls us.

The point to this blog is just the fact that I feel like every time I turn around it's something new, something different and something that will change my life forever. I have to be on different meds because the meds I was taking aren't working and my psychiatrist thinks it's because they were more focused on the depression instead of my disease as a whole. My old psychiatrist didn't even but Bipolar on the board so when she did my meds she focused on anti-depressants which is fine except that do absolutely nothing for my mood which is a huge thing with someone who has Bipolar disorder. In reality I should have been on something that not only focused on my depression, but something to also counteracted it with my mood swings. So here I am now with someone finally listening to me about my issues and trying to get me on the right meds before I completely lose my mind again.

Really what I am trying to say is if you don't feel like your psychiatrist or doctor who ever you see is listening to you, go find someone new. Keep trying. Find someone who listens to everything your saying, who takes your feelings and thoughts on what's going on with you into account and helps you find a better way to deal with your mental health in a good way. Keep fighting for yourself because your worth the good days that a good doctor could find you with the right meds. The right cocktail of meds can make a world of difference in your fight with your mental illness and that alone is worth fighting for. Never stop fighting for what you deserve health wise. You have a whole life to live and you deserve someone who is going to try and help you the best way they know how to be able to live your life to the fullest and happiest it can be!

Always remember no matter how hard it gets, how difficult it feels to get up in the morning, how hard it is to go workout, how hard it is to love yourself, how much you want to give up, never stop fighting. Never give up on yourself. Always keep fighting because this world needs you in it even on the days you don't think it does. Keep fighting for all the morning sunrises you still need to see, keep fighting for all the foods you still need to try, keep fighting for all the memories you still need to make, for all the places you still need to go and explore, keep fighting for all the sunsets you still need to experience, lastly keep fighting because you deserve all the amazing things that are yet to come. When times get hard and you feel like you have no fight in you try to remember you are not alone and that your life is special and you are so worth living for.

With Love,

Britt