Support systems fail sometimes

 For anyone that struggles openly with mental illness one of the first things most therapists will talk to you about especially if you struggle with suicidal thoughts is a establishing a support system. I didn't know much about what kind of support system I needed until I was laying in a hospital bed where I had no choice but to tell the people around me that I had planned to take my life earlier that day and would have gone through with it if it weren't for a single text that snapped me out of the state I was in. 

While in the hospital for my suicide attempt I learned a lot about support systems and how those people can help you through the bad days and will help save your life when you feel like you have no one left. In those moments I started to think about who I wanted as my support system. Who I could trust with literally my life and who would be willing to do whatever it took to keep me safe. I wanted to choose people who would learn about my diagnosis' and who would take my mental health seriously. 

The first time I was hospitalized I felt like when I left I had chosen the right people for the job. People who loved me unconditionally and seemed like they wanted the best for me. When I was hospitalized for the 2nd time I added some other people to that initial list. They came to visit me in the hospital and we talked a lot about our struggles, I thought they were the right people to add to my support team that would help me when I needed them the most. Unfortunately those people have since let me down. I chose them because I believed they not only cared about my happiness, but most importantly my life. 

Some of the people I chose aren't in my life right now due to their own actions and others still call me their friend, but don't realize I have come to the realization that I can't count on them to be there for me like I am for them. I have always been that person who will drop everything and be there for if you need me because I know what it's like to feel alone and helpless, but when you don't get that in return there comes a point where you just have to stop helping them unless its life or death for them. When someone who you thought was a support person text you to see how your doing and your straight forward with them, you tell them that you are not okay and feel like falling apart and all they can say back is I'm sorry I feel you because and then proceed to tell you what is going on in their world with their problems, it shows just how unimportant your feelings are to them. 

When you wake up crying because of a nightmare that was all to real and unlike anything you have dealt with before and people act like they care for a couple hours, that's when you realize how unimportant you are to them. When you tell them to not shut a door because your afraid of what you'll do if your left alone and yet they shut it numerous times, that's when you realize they don't really care about your well being. When your left alone by the support people around you who are saying they care so much about your life, but fail to help keep you alive by simply removing objects around you that you could use to end your life when your in the state of mind you were in and were trying to tell them how not okay you were, that's when you realize they do not value your life as much as you hoped they would with them knowing they are a huge part of your support system. When you are crying out for help and your support system just chalks it up to a bad day and doesn't make it seem like they care as much as they tell you they do, that's when you start to realize that maybe your life really isn't that important after all. 

The second your support system starts falling apart is the second your life feels like it's hanging on the edge of survival and death and you honestly have no clue which way you are going to fall, but know you can feel yourself about to fall. When the people you love them most make you feel like your feelings aren't valid because you have a mental illness and your feel everything so much more than normal people that's when you know that no one will truly ever understand you. It makes you feel like you aren't allowed to express how you feel because they just chalk it up to a bad mental day and think you will just get over it, but what they really don't understand is that yes it might just be a bad mental day, but what could be just a bad day could turn into a back week or a bad month and could push you to the point of not wanting to be alive anymore. If someone is expressing that they are struggling or you can clearly see they are struggling, pay attention to that. Show them that you are truly there for them and care about them. Show them you are trying your best to understand them and trying your best to love them the best way you know how. Prove to them that you are trying your best to understand their diagnosis' and trying your best to be there for them as much as they are for you. Love them everyday, but love them harder on the days they are clearly struggling. Prove to them that just because they are struggling and feel alone, they aren't. Don't text them asking how they are doing and then bombard them with your problems when they express how much they are struggling to you. Listen to them and be there for them so they can continue being there for you too. Be the person they are for you to them.

I know this was a long read and if you got through it all thank you. Thank you for reading this post. Thank you for taking it all in and understanding. If you are struggling just remember there are really people out there who know what your going through and there are those that understand and will love you for who you are. There are people out there who feel just like you do and are here to support you when it feels like no one else will. You are loved even if you don't feel it. Remember you are worth living for even if you don't feel like you are. You are stronger than you feel.

With Love;

Britt