A fathers unconditional love

 As a little girl you grow up with this idea that your father is your super hero and will always save you from the bad guys, but what happens when reality hits that your father is the bad guy.

For 15 years I believed what every little girl believed. I believed my dad would always love me, never hurt me and would be the man to show me what I wanted to find in my future husband and future father of my children. I believed my dad was my ultimate bestfriend and super hero who would always be there to protect me from harm and fix my broken heart, but at 15 that reality was shattered to pieces when I got a real glimpse of who my father truly was. He wasn't the man I always thought he was. He ended up being the first man to break my heart and not just break it, he shattered it into a million little pieces that would never fit back together like it should no matter how many people tried. 

Forgiveness isn't something that comes easily, but when you want someone's love so badly you put forgiving them over the heartbreak they put you through over everything. I did that. I forgave him or at least pretended I did because I wanted my bestfriend back. I wanted the only person who loved me for who I truly was inside, who loved the darkness inside me, who enjoyed all the ghost hunting, Halloween loving, scary things that I did. The one person whos beliefs matched mine. I pushed all the pain and hurt aside because I needed that person back. I needed that person to help fix me again, to help save me from a world that was trying to end me.  I needed my super hero back. For years I pretended to not care that he had broken me all those years ago because I had my bestfriend back. I had someone who understood me and someone who was there for me when I needed them or so I thought. Looking back on those times now I realize it was all a show. I realize now it was all just a way to shove it in my mom's face that I forgave him for hurting her and loved him more. He had motives for everything he did and it was always about hurting other people, it was never about loving me. 

A father's love is supposed to be never ending and unconditional and I think the hardest part to deal with is when that love ends and it's not because that person dies its because that person chooses to stop loving you and not only you, but you, your older sibling and your half sibling too. 

The heartbreak from losing a father's love because he chooses to stop loving you is like no other. It's different from a break-up because you can't go out and find someone who will treat you better, who will love you more and show you how much you are worth and how much you deserve to be loved. You can't go out and find a new dad to give you that daddy daughter relationship you see others having all over town and social media. You can't go out and find a new dad to give you advice on relationships or parenting or to hug you when your world feels like it's falling apart. There's no one to run to when you want to pick up the phone and call someone just to talk about what is going on in your world or the crazy shit you heard or saw in the middle of the night cause your house is haunted (ha ha ha)! It's a void in your heart that can never be filled and the worst part is you know they are walking around town acting like you are the enemy and you hurt them. They are acting like you are the problem and they are the victim. They are walking around alive, breathing and choosing a life without you in it and they are okay with it. 

Father's like this make it hard for girl's like me to believe in love at all. Am I married, Yes I am. I have been for almost 11 years. I have been with the same man for 13 years of my life, but it's not without it's challenges and most are honestly because of the stereo-typical thing called "Daddy issues".  I have them and badly as this blog clearly states. My dad has been coming in and out of my life since he left my mom, me and older brother when I was 15. He comes around for a while then dips out again like I don't matter anymore and every time it's like the day he left all over again. If you've read any of my other blogs you know I was the only one home when he left the first time. I was alone and he got his bags and left me there alone in my room spitting some bullshit about how it wasn't my fault. He disappeared for about 6 months with no contact before popping back up and was around for awhile before disappearing again and has been that way for a long time. Around 2014 he dipped out for 4 years. No contact nothing. He came back around and I was so happy to have him back in our life cause I was in a really bad spot. I had just gotten out of my first psychiatric stay for my suicide attempt (October 2017) and I just needed my dad back (I mean a lot of what happened was due to my long stem issues from everything I've dealt with from his actions and holding them all inside until the exploded). I needed that connection and I wanted my kids to have their grandpa back. I wanted to believe he changed. He was engaged, I thought it was going to be for the better this time, but here we are a little over 2 years later and I'm sitting writing this blog more broken than I have been in a really long time contemplating what my next move will be and where to go from here. 

All of these things cause me to have trust issues and issues believing anyone could or would ever want to love me. It causes so many problems in my relationships that I don't have friends and I have never been able to keep relationships because I am a hard person to love and be with as I have been told. I have been mentally and emotionally abused because I am too difficult and cheated on because they just couldn't handle me anymore. I can't believe anyone would ever actually be in love with me and even though I have been married to the same person for 11 years I still don't think he truly loves who I am or truly wants to be with me everyday and every time something happens with my dad it just causes me to believe that even more. Like if my dad can't even love me how could any man love someone like me. Your dad is a part of you literally so if he can't even love you then how could someone who isn't a part of you love anything about you. It makes you feel unlovable and worthless. It makes you feel like you aren't worth the air your breathing. It makes you want to die. It makes you want to give up everything you love in this world, photography, working out, your family, your life, everything.

The question at the end of all this is, how do you move on. For some people it seems so easy to just move past it and act like their fathers don't exist, but for me it's just not that easy. For me that father daughter relationship is everything I needed and wanted. I grew up craving that relationship. I grew up with the idea that every little girl gets to have this amazing daddy daughter relationship where their dads are their bestfriends and they do crazy fun stuff together, go on adventures and then when I had a daughter she would grow up and hope her and her dad would have an amazing relationship like that some day, but the reality of my life is that will never happen. My daughter won't get to see that. So now I have to once again pick up the broken pieces that are more broken than ever and hope that at some point I can put them back together before I completely fall apart and some how move forward without him. I have to move on without him coming back again because continuing this cycle is going to end with my in a grave and that I will not let happen for the sake of my kids who I love to the ends of this earth because unlike my father my kids are my world and I do love them unconditionally.

With Love,

Britt