Memories never fade away

 The hardest part of trauma (at least for me) is the memories. They never seem to go away or they do at least for a little while right? You can shove them aside for just long enough to believe they are gone forever, but the reality is they always come back and when they do they seem to hurt more and more each time. 

The older I get the more the memories seem to hurt. For me I believe it's because I still feel like the damage child that never got the chance to fully heal. It feels like no matter what I do in life I will never be fully healed. Even though I absolutely love my kids more than life it's self  that sometimes doesn't keep me from wanting to walk away from this life all together. The hurt, the pain and the memories just get to be too much sometimes. I feel like it's hard enough to survive on a normal day, but the days where the memories are front and center in the brain, those are the days that truly are the times were not wanting to live takes over your day more than normal. Every minute, every second of that day is consumed by those memories, that hurt, those feelings you felt on the days that the trauma(s) took place. It's a never ending cycle that you can't get out of.

There are some days where the memories are there are I can go about my day at work and with my home life and just get through it, but then there are days like today where every second I am waiting for the one moment I just fall apart. I don't cry a lot because it makes me feel weak and vulnerable, but on the days where the memories are front and center I feel like I couldn't break down and cry at any second for no reason, and yet for all the reasons no one around me would ever understand. It's like you want that hug that makes you feel like you are safe. You want a hug from someone, anyone that will hug you until it all just goes away and yet you know when they let you go it will all just come flooding back to you. You want a hug and yet you want to be alone and not touched at all because you know that some day those people hugging you will leave you too just like the people who caused you the trauma you are running from in the first place. It's one of the worst double edged swords you can feel.

My mind is mental exhausted from trying to suppress these memories back so I can move on with my life and live without this trauma, but I can only hold them back for so long before it just becomes too much. Today it was just to much. I couldn't push them away anymore and now they are here and I can't get them to go away. All I ever wanted was to be a daughter my father would be proud of. Someone who had her daddy to run to when things were going wrong in her life. A dad who would always hug her to make her broken heart feel better and encourage her to be who ever she wanted to be in life despite what others thought of her. But that's not what I got at all. I got a dad who was there for a while and then decided I wasn't enough for him. I got a dad who chose other people over his children. I got a dad who didn't care enough about his kids and grandchildren to work on himself and change. I got a dad who instead of hugging me and healing my hurt caused me the worst hurt and trauma of my life. I get someone who blames me for our relationship being shitty instead of taking accountably for his own actions and instead of acknowledging the hurt and pain he caused he makes it seem like I am crazy and like I have no reason for feeling the ways that I do and then gets other people to attack me over social messengers defending his actions and once again putting all the blame on me instead of him. Instead of a dad who heals my hurt I got one who caused me so much hurt that I at one point tried to take my own life because I just couldn't handle the memories and undealt with trauma anymore. It was my fault for not dealing with my trauma and I'll admit that straight out, but the trauma that was caused wasn't because of me. My attempt at my own life trauma that was mine and I take full responsibility for the trauma and horrible memories of that day that I have to deal with, but these memories and trauma that plague my life more than anything else that I will never be responsible for.

My point in all of this is that I don't think some people who don't have trauma in their life on top of having a mental illness realize how controlling those memories can be. They try, I truly believe they do if they really love you. I believe they try their hardest to understand the ups and downs we deal with on a moment to moment basis but they will never fully understand how debilitating it can be. I had my new psychiatrist recently tell me that my trauma wasn't enough for me to be diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar. Which hurt me like hell because she basically told me the trauma I went through wasn't enough. My trauma wasn't enough for me to feel the way I did, it wasn't enough to hurt me this way and it wasn't enough trauma for me to want to take my life. I feel like sometimes we feel this way about the people who surround us in our circle. They don't fully understand so it feels like they down play our feelings when in reality they just don't understand how hard those memories and feelings are hitting us. I feel like this post kind of went all over the place which wasn't my intention when I started, but also kind of feels like how our brains work sometimes when our mental illness is taking over our thoughts. 

No matter what today brings you always remember that no matter what you are you are so worth living for even in the moments where it doesn't feel that way;

With love,

Britt ❤